having a baby
Why Daddies Matter
A husband's love, presence and support make all the difference as a woman experiences the transition to motherhood. During those difficult, early postdelivery months, a supportive husband is every wife's ace in the hole. Studies show he's her number-one support player during pregnancy, birth and new motherhood. For a woman to whole-heartedly embrace motherhood, she needs to know that her husband is as committed to their baby as she is. His kindness and practical help keep her going during difficult times. "My husband used to get up with me at night when I'd throw up,” says Grace, 37, "and often at 3:00 a.m. he'd send me back to bed and clean up the bathroom.” Both worked, and Grace admits she would have felt resentful if Tom had slept through her middle-of-the-night sickness.
But what about labor and delivery? What's a husband's role then? During her pregnancy, Antoinette Clyde of Amityville, N.Y., says she sometimes wondered if her husband was really "with” her in the momentous transformation to parenthood. Would he be emotionally available during the hard work of birth? She writes:
As it turned out, my husband was a wonderful coach throughout the 24 hours of hard labor. Immediately after giving birth, I watched as my husband cradled our beautiful son in his arms, welcoming him into the world as only a father can. I witnessed the love shared by these two most important men in my life and thought to myself, "He really did understand what I was trying to say after all.”
So, a wife watches carefully as her husband welcomes their new baby into his heart and life. As he steps up to the challenge of fatherhood, diapering and bathing their baby, a husband underscores the importance of his wife's role as mother. It's critical, during those early months after the baby's birth, that a husband is tender, nurturing and faithful. A woman needs to feel that she can count on her man as she makes possibly the most demanding transition of her life.
In reality, both spouses are stretched as they experience huge role changes to incorporate the baby into their lives. Psychologists who love to create graphs showing marital satisfaction have discovered that a big drop occurs following the first child's birth. This is a time of radical role changes for both parents.
I spoke with the mother of a 6-week-old son who was struggling with her role as first-time mother. "My marriage has changed drastically,” she said. "No longer are my husband and I just lovers, friends and partners who can go out for dinner on a whim, but now we are the parents of this little baby. While we both had careers, now he goes to work and I stay home. Although he tries to be supportive at the end of the day, he can't possibly understand all I am experiencing. Nor do I understand all he is feeling.”
What this mother and her husband need to do is talk about the cataclysmic role changes in their lives. This is a time for frank, open conversations. Both need to tell each other how it feels to be a struggling new parent. In addition, I urge couples to find a babysitter and go out for dinner or dessert every week. The marital relationship needs to be nurtured, even if a woman is grappling with the constraints of breast-feeding. It's important for every new mother to be alone with her husband weekly, however briefly, so that she can feel like her old self again.
Sadly not all women have warm, supportive husbands when they have babies. Sometimes a couple is estranged or the mother is unmarried. I read a poignant account of a mother who abandoned her 3-day-old baby in the lobby of a building in New York City. She had placed her daughter in a Warner Brothers shopping bag along with two handwritten pages. The baby was dressed in a T-shirt, diaper and jumpsuit. Here is the mother's letter:
My sweet angel baby Sarah, I am so sorry to give you such a bad start in your life. You must never for a moment think I don't love you. I love you more than I dreamed possible. If I knew for a way for us not to be apart, that's what I would do. Please know that I never meant to harm you. All I can think about is the things I would like to give you. I don't think anybody would love you as attenfully (sic) as me. Take care. May the angels watch over you and may God forgive me. I'm already missing you. I can't stop crying. I don't know where your Daddy is. (italics mine)
Poor sweet angel, baby Sarah. In having no loving, responsible, onsite father, she lost her mother as well. For without a loving husband, a mother has a rough, demanding course. She can feel quite alone with her baby and overwhelmed by life, whether she's an unmarried mother or a mother lost in a painful, unhappy marriage.
A dad — a tender, loving, faithful father — is absolutely essential in undergirding and supporting a wife's capacity to mother their children well.
Background Information
Congratulations! You're Gonna Be a Dad!
A pregnancy timeline can help Dad know what to expect and what to put on his calendar.
The Cost of Postponing Childbirth
There are many reasons to delay pregnancy, but having a baby later in life is not without risks.
The Psychological Side of Pregnancy
While a woman experiences radical physiological changes during the months before birth, every mother-to-be also undergoes profound psychological changes.
The Wonder of Birth
The body does amazing things to make you a mother.
Two Parents, Two Gifts
The differences in men and women make an impact on parenting style — and on their children, too.
Questions and Answers
Our 3-year-old daughter was thrilled about having a new brother or sister. Now, however, she shows signs of jealousy. Please suggest some ways I can ease her through this period of adjustment.
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Born too Soon
As with many instances of preterm labor, there was no reason, no explanation, for my wife's water breaking at 27 weeks.
Finding Value in the "Little Things"
Becoming a mother changed my ideas about significance in ways I'd never expected.
Vulnerability
The love a parent feels for her children is a great emotional risk but worth every fear.
Waking Up is Hard to Do
Then again, mostly everything is hard to do when you're pregnant.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Learning to Roll With Change
It's not the most fun you'll ever have, but the results are worth it.
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
