having a baby
Suggestions for Fathers of Small Children
As demanding as your day may be, never harbor the delusion that rearing children at home isn't real work. If you need convincing, send your wife away on a retreat and take full charge of your children for a weekend. Note how utterly relieved you feel when she returns.
Consider your wife's day, not just your own. When you arrive home after your long, tiring day, remember that your wife has had an equally long, tiring day. She needs, most of all, two things:
- Adult conversation, including expressions of appreciation for what she has been doing.
- An adult pair of hands to pitch in, take charge of one or more children, wrangle dirty diapers or other debris, or begin any other activity that will lighten her load.
Do not expect to be taken care of like another child in the house. Pick up your own clothes and toys. Don't expect much sexual response if your wife is exhausted and you haven't done much to lighten her load during the course of the entire evening. Remember that sex begins in the kitchen—with meaningful conversation, compliments, acts of kindness, and some elbow grease applied to helping reduce her to-do list.
Get involved in or even take over the process of getting your kids ready for bed. As they get older, you will hear thoughts and questions at bedtime that won't be expressed at any other time of the day. Be ready to listen and be amazed.
Maintain the habit of a regular date night — a meal (fancy or otherwise), a concert, a walk, whatever your imagination and budget can manage — in which the focus is conversation and companionship. Make it a point to keep your wife current on your day's activities and find out about hers.
Give your family priority. If your hours at work seem to be getting longer, take an honest stock of your attitude. Do you really need to work through dinner every night? Is that trip necessary? Are you listening to the siren song that says your career is a lot more fulfilling than the tasks awaiting you at home? Think again, long and hard, if your hours are gradually turning your wife into a single parent. And if you are going to be later than expected on any given day, be sure to let her know.
Take her away for a romantic weekend, or even dinner and an overnight stay, at a pleasant location where her daily responsibilities are temporarily suspended. (With planning and creativity, this need not be expensive.) Another worthwhile activity is a marriage-enrichment weekend such as a Family Life conference (1-800-FL Today), which can serve as a therapeutic time-out and an opportunity to renew and deepen your commitment to one another.
Call her during the day to touch base, offer an encouraging word, or simply say, “I love you.”
Flowers and gifts for no particular reason speak volumes.
Be conscious of time. One last, very practical detail involves being careful with the calendar. The last month of your wife's pregnancy is probably not the best time to schedule several double work shifts or back-to-back business trips to the other side of the country. Obviously, no one can know for sure the exact due date, but it's a shame to work diligently through the preparation process and then miss the actual event. This may require giving your employer a fair amount of advance notice about the upcoming delivery and your desire to be present for it. The same type of advance planning is also important for the person who serves as coach for a single mother during her labor.
Background Information
Why Daddies Matter
Having a baby is one of the most demanding things a woman can do. Having the help of a husband is invaluable.
Congratulations! You're Gonna Be a Dad!
A pregnancy timeline can help Dad know what to expect and what to put on his calendar.
The Cost of Postponing Childbirth
There are many reasons to delay pregnancy, but having a baby later in life is not without risks.
The Psychological Side of Pregnancy
While a woman experiences radical physiological changes during the months before birth, every mother-to-be also undergoes profound psychological changes.
The Wonder of Birth
The body does amazing things to make you a mother.
Questions and Answers
Our 3-year-old daughter was thrilled about having a new brother or sister. Now, however, she shows signs of jealousy. Please suggest some ways I can ease her through this period of adjustment.
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Born too Soon
As with many instances of preterm labor, there was no reason, no explanation, for my wife's water breaking at 27 weeks.
Finding Value in the "Little Things"
Becoming a mother changed my ideas about significance in ways I'd never expected.
Vulnerability
The love a parent feels for her children is a great emotional risk but worth every fear.
Waking Up is Hard to Do
Then again, mostly everything is hard to do when you're pregnant.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Learning to Roll With Change
It's not the most fun you'll ever have, but the results are worth it.
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
