adoption
In Sickness in Health
Three months pregnant, Kathy Van Ee rested on the couch. Two-year-old Ethan played nearby. Six-year-old Charlene was at school. Suddenly a frantic shout shattered her thoughts, exploding her family's life into a million shards. "Call 911! There's been an accident!" the farmhand yelled.
"Who's been hurt? Is it Everett?" Kathy cried.
"Yes! I think he's dead!"
Kathy reached for the phone. She answered the 911 operator's questions, then called friends and family to pray. Her husband's dump truck, loaded with concrete chunks, had toppled backwards over a cliff. Thrown from the truck, his crumpled body lay down a 150-foot ravine.
Trouble was no stranger to the Van Ees of Abbotsford, British Columbia. A year earlier their farm's hog barns were destroyed by arson. Stress compounded when their insurance company set a tough deadline for the completion of the new barns. They faced major debt. Now this.
Everett lay in a coma for 10 weeks. When he woke, the fragments of their family life were forever rearranged, forming a picture no one could have imagined.
An acceptable alternative
Everett was discharged from the hospital three months after the accident unable to walk, dress or feed himself. Kathy, then six months pregnant, couldn't provide that level of care. A group home for head-injury patients provided an acceptable alternative. After Joel's birth, Everett spent several hours a day at home, but he had a volatile temper that frightened Kathy and the children.
"The last thing I wanted to say was that I didn't want my husband living with me," Kathy says, "but it was true. Before the accident, Everett would never have thrown things at me. He would never have raised his voice to his children. Now his explosive anger terrified them. It was extremely difficult to accept that this man, my husband, was behaving this way."
Three years later, Everett's behavioral changes made it increasingly evident that he should remain in the group home. Kathy's heart broke when friends encouraged her to end the agony and get a divorce. "That's not what I wanted," she says. "I searched to find a middle road that would recognize our family status even though we couldn't live together."
These days Everett accompanies his family to church and spends Sunday afternoons in their home. He attends the kids' special activities and sports events. Everett always loved theater, so the family watches plays and concerts together. He sings in the church choir, fixes small appliances at a local mission and participates in activities at the local head-injury center.
Enormous challenges
The human brain contains an estimated 100 billion cells. It is perhaps the most complex object in the universe. Enormous challenges surface when the brain suffers trauma.
"Long-term memory loss is one of the challenges to our marriage," Kathy says, four years after the accident. "Everett doesn't recall much about our relationship. I'm his wife, whatever that means. He has no idea who I am as a person — what I think, what I feel — regardless of our 15-year marriage. He remembers our wedding only because he's seen pictures. His memory is like a dot-to-dot picture without having the dots connected.
"He no longer understands what it means to be a husband because his ability to develop and maintain relationships has been affected," Kathy states. "A lot of who you are as an adult depends on your life experiences and memory. When that's gone, it's like being a teenager again."
Inappropriate laughter or crying and uncontrollable fits of rage are unpredictable. Everett's cognitive reasoning, problem-solving and decision-making skills aren't what they used to be. Balance and coordination problems make some physical activities difficult. Joel doesn't understand why his daddy can't run or kick a soccer ball. A simple family walk is daunting as Everett struggles to keep up with Kathy when she chases their 3-year-old son.
Divorce is not an option
Others have counseled Kathy that divorce is the only reasonable alternative if Everett doesn't return home. Kathy disagrees. "Everett loves us in his own way. Leaving him would break his heart," she says. "And our children have already experienced so much hurt that divorce would finish them off.
"Choosing to remain married has given us stability," Kathy says. "The children have contact with Everett's extended family. Their personalities and traditions help the children understand what their father was like before the accident. Understanding their strong Christian heritage will equip them for life."
Another benefit is that people often tell stories about Everett before his accident. "This helps the children understand who he was. If I divorce him, people won't feel free to tell these stories of the role he played in their lives.
"I want Everett to know his children and be a part of their lives. I want our children to feel secure, not thinking there's animosity between their father and me. They need to understand that his words and actions result from the accident. I want them to learn to love him the way he is now, caring for him with compassion."
Life goes on
"Adoption" by a church family shows the Van Ee children how a healthy family functions, and their church family includes them in family activities to help ease the pain of their loss. Another woman from church periodically checks in on Kathy. She drops by for coffee and a chat, ensuring that practical needs, such as lawn maintenance, are met.
Kathy also attends a support group with fun events for single moms and their children, which brings encouragement. "Because Everett has lost the understanding of fatherhood, I need someone to discuss parenting issues with.
"This whole experience has been incredibly difficult for us, but our faith in God is what carries us through. Pouring out my fear and pain to God, viewing advice through His Word, reading about other people's experiences and inviting laughter into my life are my ways of coping," Kathy says.
"Because this isn't normal family life, it's sometimes difficult for others to accept. When they realize the seriousness of Everett's injuries and the stress it causes in our home, they understand this choice. For us, this is the only way it can work."
Background Information
Agency Adoptions
When it is time to evaluate adoption agencies, consider these pros and cons.
Where Have All the Babies Gone?
The top reasons fewer babies are available to the growing number of couples who want to adopt.
Adopting on Your Own
This advice can help single parents who want to adopt children.
Causes and Characteristics of Attachment Disorder
For adoptive parents, attachment issues can be a huge concern.
Independent Adoption
These are the risks and rewards of adopting without the help of an agency.
Questions and Answers
Are adopted children more likely to be rebellious than children raised by biological parents?
Answer
How would you go about telling a child he or she is adopted, and when should that disclosure occur?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reflections on Bonding With an Adopted Child
Bonding with an adopted child can take time — and great patience.
A Second Chance at Life
Two adopted children arrived from the most unlikely of sources.
Adoption as Grace
How does enlarging your family reflect God's love?
An Act of Grace
In the midst of ethical ambiguity, one infertility treatment is a welcome development.
Climbing the Hills
A father tells his story of adopting his daughter from Russia.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
