adoption
How Not to Fix Your Husband
As women, some of us secretly believe that the decision to spend our lives with someone comes with the understanding that we are entitled to change them in areas we feel need improvement. Of course, we know what's best for our spouse … I mean, what kind of man can make good choices when he can't even remember to put a new garbage bag in the trash container after emptying it (and after having been asked to do so four times, I might add)?
We, the silent members of the Perfect Wives' Club, have no time to be introspective and focus on our own imperfections, because we're exhausted after spending all of our energy on fixing our mates' flaws. What in the world did they do before we took over their lives? How did they dress themselves, show up to work on time, or find the closest parking space at Target? We got there just in time, ladies — before they collapsed in a heap on the floor!
OK. We all know this isn't true, at least entirely, but for some reason many of us have felt called to be our husbands' keepers. When my husband met me, he was attracted to my ambition and courageous zest for life. In contrast, I was drawn to his steady ability to handle whatever circumstances came his way. Someone once told me that the things that attract you to your spouse in the beginning may ultimately be the things that drive you crazy. Given the opportunity again, I would still choose to marry my husband. But I won't lie to you — our differences have been challenging. There have been moments when I've told him that he needed to fix everything that doesn't make sense in our marriage: our finances, his job, our families … and while he's at it, my postpartum depression. You can imagine that my lectures come complete with graphs, solutions and timelines. Following one of these “presentations,” I'm usually met with “the glaze,” as we like to call it, of my rather disinterested recipient.
It isn't because my husband doesn't share my goals and dreams, nor is it because he's not motivated toward positive growth. We are simply different. After all of my efforts to fix him, no matter how valid or well-intended those endeavors might have been, I've learned that they accomplish nothing. No, that would be incorrect; they actually do accomplish something. They succeed in making him feel like less of a man, minimizing his efforts to provide for his family. They make him wonder if he'll ever be enough or if I'll ever be proud of him. The more I try to make myself feel secure and safe by pushing him, the less motivated he becomes, the more insecure he feels, and the lower his shoulders sag.
I'm sharing this with you, because, while I haven't always chosen the higher road of understanding and compassion, I'm beginning to see that this is what my husband needs most. I'm learning to extend grace to him in those times, rather than taking an opportunity to communicate my need for answers. My father once told me that regardless of what anyone else thought of him, my mother's opinion was what mattered most. If this is true, I've got an enormous responsibility as a wife. It may be a lifelong journey for me, because of who I am and whom I chose as my partner. But, with each opportunity I am given, I will continue seeking to build rather than bully. If any of you struggle with some of these same issues, join me — as Valentine's Day approaches — in seeking to love our husbands in the manner that God loves us … with more grace than we can possibly imagine.
Background Information
Agency Adoptions
When it is time to evaluate adoption agencies, consider these pros and cons.
Where Have All the Babies Gone?
The top reasons fewer babies are available to the growing number of couples who want to adopt.
Adopting on Your Own
This advice can help single parents who want to adopt children.
Causes and Characteristics of Attachment Disorder
For adoptive parents, attachment issues can be a huge concern.
Independent Adoption
These are the risks and rewards of adopting without the help of an agency.
Questions and Answers
Are adopted children more likely to be rebellious than children raised by biological parents?
Answer
How would you go about telling a child he or she is adopted, and when should that disclosure occur?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reflections on Bonding With an Adopted Child
Bonding with an adopted child can take time — and great patience.
A Second Chance at Life
Two adopted children arrived from the most unlikely of sources.
Adoption as Grace
How does enlarging your family reflect God's love?
An Act of Grace
In the midst of ethical ambiguity, one infertility treatment is a welcome development.
Climbing the Hills
A father tells his story of adopting his daughter from Russia.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
