having a baby
Helping a Family with a Preemie
Unless you've ridden the rickety roller coaster ride that is the premature baby experience, it's difficult to understand the strain of those who have. Parents of a preemie struggle daily to keep life going along the right track. As a friend, you can help even out those ups and downs.
Typically, a premature baby has to stay at the hospital for weeks or months prior to being brought home. This is an especially stressful time, because the parents are completely focused on the health of their little one as she repeatedly falters ... and then rallies. It's typical, but terrifying.
The first thing you can do to help is listen. Whether you're asking how the baby is doing or offering to bring meals, take the time to honestly hear your friends. If they don't want meals, don't force them. If they do, get a list of what they and other children like, and stick to simple, basic comfort foods. Don't provide pans or serving trays that must be washed and returned. Invest in some giveaway food storage containers. When it comes to clean-up, they'll be most grateful.
When you ask about the baby, try to hear more than the words. Often, the emotion is barely hidden. If your friend breaks down, comfort her, listen to her concerns and offer to pray for her ... right then. Don't bother saying you'll pray, unless you mean it. Steady spiritual support makes a huge difference to both baby and parents.
Respect the boundaries for visiting set by the hospital and/or parents. And if you're privileged to see the infant tangled in wires and tubes, stifle the first words that come to your mind about how helpless and hopeless the child looks. The parents have already thought that a thousand times.
Be careful about sharing other shopworn sayings: "Everything will be OK," or "It must be tough for you," or, the worst, "God's just trying to strengthen you through this." All of these may be true, but they're unwelcome, unkind comments in the context of the situation. The family is looking to you for encouragement, so help them see "the bright side." This is the time to remember Mom's adage about not opening your mouth unless you've got something nice to say.
One way to provide tremendous help is by passing along baby updates and prayer requests so the parents don't have to constantly repeat their story. Organize a phone or e-mail tree to get the word out. This would be an enormous gift to the weary parents.
Speaking of gifts, presents for the baby are a delight, but don't expect exuberance from stressed parents who are first and foremost worried about their tiny bundle. Be sensitive to the stress and exhaustion etched in the faces of your friends. Know when it's time to go.
Mom will often be recovering from a C-section and will need extra rest and attention. She'll feel upset about not being able to spend as much time as she'd like with her baby, and she'll chafe at the various hospital restrictions regarding movement. Dad will be exhausted as well, worried and stressed about what's happening to the family, and feeling that things are out of control. Often, he'll feel as helpless as that little baby, though he'll know he must remain strong for Mom and the rest of the family.
A note of encouragement or a quick call to let you know you're thinking of them are much appreciated distractions. Bring a fresh-cut flower from the garden or offer a gift certificate for Chinese or pizza take-out. Anything that breaks the routine and offers hope of one day returning to "normal" is welcome.
Another big way you can pitch in is to take older kids to the park, library or maybe a movie. This gives the parents a few moments alone to talk and rest. If you're inclined, you could offer to clean house, shop for groceries or take the car in for an oil change. The numerous details of running a home still need to happen, even if parents are going back and forth to the hospital many times a day. See if there's a way to offer practical assistance, then make specific plans as to when you'll do it.
Once the baby is home, he's typically on oxygen, meaning that he's not able to breathe on his own. To this point, the family has had only rare glimpses of their baby without benefit of probes, bandages and other medical extras. The adhesive irritates soft baby cheeks, but must remain in place so air flow can continue unhindered. Still, they're thrilled to have their baby to themselves.
Before you visit, please call and set up a time. The new parents have been conditioned by the nurses to understand that their baby is far more fragile than most newborns. Preemie babies are extra-sensitive to lights, noise, touch and surprise.
Mom and Dad will also try to protect their infant from possible contagions. If you or anyone in your family has been sick, suggest that you come at another time. Your willingness to be oversensitive to the new little one and his parents is one of the best gifts you can give.
Through the whole preemie experience, your friends will appreciate you offering needed help, consistent prayer and kind encouragement. In fact, it will mean the world to them ... and their baby.
Background Information
Why Daddies Matter
Having a baby is one of the most demanding things a woman can do. Having the help of a husband is invaluable.
Congratulations! You're Gonna Be a Dad!
A pregnancy timeline can help Dad know what to expect and what to put on his calendar.
The Cost of Postponing Childbirth
There are many reasons to delay pregnancy, but having a baby later in life is not without risks.
The Psychological Side of Pregnancy
While a woman experiences radical physiological changes during the months before birth, every mother-to-be also undergoes profound psychological changes.
The Wonder of Birth
The body does amazing things to make you a mother.
Questions and Answers
Our 3-year-old daughter was thrilled about having a new brother or sister. Now, however, she shows signs of jealousy. Please suggest some ways I can ease her through this period of adjustment.
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Born too Soon
As with many instances of preterm labor, there was no reason, no explanation, for my wife's water breaking at 27 weeks.
Finding Value in the "Little Things"
Becoming a mother changed my ideas about significance in ways I'd never expected.
Vulnerability
The love a parent feels for her children is a great emotional risk but worth every fear.
Waking Up is Hard to Do
Then again, mostly everything is hard to do when you're pregnant.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Learning to Roll With Change
It's not the most fun you'll ever have, but the results are worth it.
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
