parents and adult children
How Parents and Adult Children Can Rebuild Relationships
As an empty nester, your relationship with your grown children may be filled with joy or disappointment. Do you act like best friends and weekly phone conversations, go on weekly shopping trips or seek one another's advice? Or is their life like adolescence all over again?
Frustration ferments with questionable choices in dating lifestyles, drug and alcohol consumption and spending habits.
Sure, your kids may need to grow up.
But consider this: Maybe you are the impetus of the conflict. The fights increase because you have saddled unrealistic expectations on them; maybe they don't follow the career path you have set for them; maybe they make choices you wouldn't make.
If any of these ring to a familiar tone, it is time to examine the source of your conflict.
Causes of Conflict
Researchers at California State University have found that, while some children may have "grown up," adulthood is fraught with problems, stemming from:
- Communication style
- Lifestyle choices
- The way grandchildren are raised
- Politics and religion
- Employment status
- Household conduct1
Psychiatrist Harry Bloomfield agrees with these findings, adding that almost 90 percent of children in adulthood do not get along with their parents.2
Advice for Repairing the Relationship
If you are a parent whose relationship is strained, Dr. Kathryn Bechkam Mims of Albany State University makes these recommendations:
- Always tell the truth to one another.
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Be sensitive to each other's feelings.
- Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
- Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
- Don't blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it's often unhelpful.
- Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.3
Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. "Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it's never too late to make new progress."4
Background Information
Growing Up and Letting Go
Leaving the nest is hard on parents and children alike.
Questions and Answers
Our 24-year-old daughter came home from college and moved back into her old bedroom. Now, three years later, she's still there. She doesn't work, she has no ambition or direction, and she seems perfectly content to freeload on her dad and me. I know she ought to get on with her life, but what can I do? I can't just force her out, can I?
Answer
I'm in my mid-20s and the youngest of three children. My mom seems to refuse to recognize that I'm an adult now. How can I transition from her child to her peer/friend?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Coffee Can Wait
When my son was born, I prayed he would marry a good Christian woman. When he did, my daughter-in-law relationship with me turned out differently than what I expected.
You Can Go Home Again
As parents reach their later years, many children feel the tug to move closer to them.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
The Myths and Realities of In-law Relationships
When you marry, you become a family in more ways than one.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
