affairs

How Parents and Adult Children Can Rebuild Relationships

by Lindsey Rich

As an empty nester, your relationship with your grown children may be filled with joy or disappointment. Do you act like best friends and weekly phone conversations, go on weekly shopping trips or seek one another's advice? Or is their life like adolescence all over again?

Frustration ferments with questionable choices in dating lifestyles, drug and alcohol consumption and spending habits.

Sure, your kids may need to grow up.

But consider this: Maybe you are the impetus of the conflict. The fights increase because you have saddled unrealistic expectations on them; maybe they don't follow the career path you have set for them; maybe they make choices you wouldn't make.

If any of these ring to a familiar tone, it is time to examine the source of your conflict.

Causes of Conflict

Researchers at California State University have found that, while some children may have "grown up," adulthood is fraught with problems, stemming from:

  • Communication style
  • Lifestyle choices
  • The way grandchildren are raised
  • Politics and religion
  • Employment status
  • Household conduct1

Psychiatrist Harry Bloomfield agrees with these findings, adding that almost 90 percent of children in adulthood do not get along with their parents.2

Advice for Repairing the Relationship

If you are a parent whose relationship is strained, Dr. Kathryn Bechkam Mims of Albany State University makes these recommendations:

  • Always tell the truth to one another.
  • Keep the lines of communication open.
  • Be sensitive to each other's feelings.
  • Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
  • Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
  • Don't blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it's often unhelpful.
  • Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.3

Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. "Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it's never too late to make new progress."4

1 Clarke, Preston, Raksin, and Bengston, "Types of conflicts and tensions between older parents and adult children," The Gerontologist, 39(3) (1999), 261-270.
2 Carol Kuykendall, Give Them Wings (Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, 1994).
3 K.B. Mims, "They're all grown up but I'm still a parent!," Family Information Services, Minneapolis, MN (1998).
4 Chuck Colson, "The Return of Peter Pan," Breakpoint (July 23, 1992), 5.
Copyright © 2006 Lindsey Rich. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Background Information

The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.

An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?

Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.

Questions and Answers

My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer

Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer

My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.

The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.

Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.

Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

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