affairs
Division and Separation…But Not Divorce
"Get out! Pornography is not acceptable in our marriage," I yelled at my husband. "You leave right now."
Mike's pornography addiction escalated after he lost his job as a computer programmer. He hated—and skipped out—on the only job he could find—at a grocery distribution warehouse.
Looking back, it's obvious to me now that Mike's depression was the impetus to his pornography habit. At the time I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew that he no longer liked activities he once enjoyed, including sex. He stopped playing with our kids and just wanted to watch TV. After a seven-year decline, our doctor subscribed anti-depressants and said his thyroid had "died," triggering the depression.
Leaving a career Mike was passionate about was difficult. But I had little sympathy once I found out my hard-working dollars supported his pornography habit.
I drew the line and demanded that Mike move out, with the condition that he could move back home if he went to marriage counseling. After two months of separation, he moved back home. But it became clear that our problems were just beginning.
The consequences of an addiction
One night, I woke up at 3 a.m. and found Mike downstairs chatting online with a woman. I knew this was more than flirting.
"You're cheating on me!" I said.
"No, I'm just talking with a friend," Mike said.
"I don't care. I want you out now!"
I started divorce proceedings. But this time Mike refused to move out.
For a month, we didn't talk to each other. I slept in one room and he slept in another. Finally my lawyer stopped by our house and gave him an ultimatum to move out by the end of the day. The next morning I got a call from my mother-in-law. He had attempted suicide.
"I really have no reason to live anymore," he said. "My family was my reason to live. Now I don't have a family anymore."
"Mike, you still have a family," I said, "but you need more help with your depression and your pornography addiction."
The hospital psychiatrist worked on the right anti-depression medications for Mike and our family doctor continued to monitor him.
After the suicide attempt, my husband's healing process began, but I was stuck in a dreadfully dark valley. I remained in counseling and asked for prayer from family and friends. I also clung to specific verses. 2 Corinthians 5:7, which reminded me to "walk by faith and not by sight," helped a lot. I believed in what I couldn't see—that my powerful God would bring joy back into our marriage.
Reconnecting a broken marriage
I wouldn't let Mike move home until I was sure he was controlling his depression. We started dating once or twice a week, but with no sex. Mike also started a new job at another warehouse and went back to counseling.
While we worked out our issues, I prayed, "God, am I to stay with Mike or get a divorce? I need to know. "
I sensed God saying, "You need to stay with Mike. I'm not through with him yet." And I knew He wasn't through with me yet either.
Choosing to forgive
I chose to forgive Mike and not let bitterness fester in my heart. I also learned to focus on what I can do to make our marriage better. Rebuilding trust in our relationship didn't happen overnight; it took us a couple of years. Sometimes I still fear that Mike will return to his pornography habit, but these feelings are fading as our relationship improves.
Our society sees marriage as disposable, and for a long time that was my view. But now Mike and I are now committed to each other for the rest of our lives. After all our hardships, we're going to make our marriage work no matter what it takes.
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
