Question and Answer

My stepdaughter resists my attempts at friendship, even screaming, "You're not my dad. Leave me alone!" Have I done something wrong?

Not necessarily. There are many reasons why a teen may react so strongly to a new parent. While some may require professional intervention, others can be dealt with right in the home.

For example, the natural parent may fail to give the stepparent an explicit endorsement of authority. Thus, a teen has no reason to recognize them as a full-fledged guardian with all the rights and responsibilities that go along with parenthood. If that's the case in your home, your wife needs to set the ground rules for your daughter and affirm your authority.

In other cases, an enthusiastic stepparent can easily come on too strongly in their excitement over the new family. This can be confusing — even threatening — to a child, triggering a nasty response. The new stepparent needs to relax and proceed at the teen's pace. Try to operate at her comfort level. If you sense bitterness or resentment, be willing to listen as your stepdaughter respectfully shares her anger. But don't let her be abusive. If hurtful words persist, it may be time to seek help from someone outside of the home.

Regardless of the dynamics (there are many more than we've been able to address here), stepparents are constantly challenged to keep on loving with a dogged determination, praying tirelessly and taking whatever action is necessary. Sooner or later, those efforts will bear fruit.

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Background Information

Portraits of a Stepfamily
A look at different types of stepfamilies can highlight the unique challenges each stepfamily may encounter.

Remarriage--A Step in the Right Direction?
In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.

Questions and Answers

What's the biggest hurdle blended families face?
Answer

As a new stepparent, what can I do to make the transition a smooth one?
Answer

Is remarrying worth it when it involves blending families?
Answer

Television portrays blended families as a peaceful solution to divorce. Is this accurate?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Not the "Normal" Blended Family
Most families become blended through divorce, death and remarriage. Our blend is much different.

Loving the Stepmomster
It wasn't easy, but I did grow to accept the woman my dad remarried.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Out of Bounds
Here's how you can identify and deal with destructive patterns in your relationships.

Learning to Roll With Change
It's not the most fun you'll ever have, but the results are worth it.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together

Transitions: Getting Married

Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse

Life Applications

Disciplining As a Team
Present a united front by creating a discipline action plan before you need it, and create a structure and stable environment in which your stepfamily can thrive.

Different Homes, Different Values: Uniting Instead of Fighting
The former spouse would walk away or hang up the phone. The anger became a vicious cycle that had to be broken if our stepfamily was to survive.

Healthy Communication With Your Ex
Words are powerful. Use them wisely.

When You're the Stepparent
Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a challenge. Yet, with healthy expectations and a specific strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.