divorce
Question and Answer
Upset with her dad, Gary, for leaving home, Becky often refuses to spend time with him. Gary thought Becky's mom, Stacey, encouraged this attitude to undermine the visitation schedule they had agreed on in court. Stacey feels trapped between her ex-husband and her daughter. How should she respond?
Even without speaking a word about her ex, Stacey may be setting an emotional tone that supports Becky's resistance. Moreover, if Stacey voices her anger and hurt around her daughter, Becky may take on the role of protecting mom. While Stacey may occasionally express negative feelings about Gary to Becky, she should avoid making her daughter an emotional confidante. Instead, Stacey should communicate about Gary in ways that serve Becky's interests, not her own.
Nonetheless, Becky's resistance may arise from her own disappointment with Gary and have nothing to do with Stacey's actions. Research backs this up. In a groundbreaking study, Drs. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly found that more than 50 percent of the children involved in custody battles thought their fathers were insensitive to their pain at the time of the divorce.
This information brings up a dilemma: If Stacey tells her daughter to "buck up and go see your dad," Becky could stuff her anger, making her a prime candidate for depression. But if Stacey lets her daughter's anger go unchecked, Becky could become bitter and unable to forgive. To avoid these extremes, Stacey should:
Provide a listening ear for Becky's feelings about her dad. After all, Becky has cause for anger. Remember Jesus' response in Luke 17:2 to those who cause children to stumble. ["It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin."]
Model forgiveness toward Gary. Stacey's behavior toward her ex-husband could mean more to Becky than any words spoken.
Find someone to mediate Gary and Becky's concerns. In some situations, the custodial parent can play this role. But since Gary already thinks Stacey caused the rift between him and his daughter, a pastor, counselor or friend might make a better choice. In any case, both Becky and Gary need to trust the mediator.
Background Information
Defining Divorce
These are some terms you may hear if considering divorce.
The Effects of Divorce
Divorce harms more of your life than you might think.
When Mom and Dad Split
If divorce brings happiness to the parents, the kids will benefit right?
Questions and Answers
I would divorce my husband if it were not for my concern for our three children. What does the research say about the impact of divorce on kids?
Answer
What should an ex-spouse do when a child says the other parent is making demeaning comments?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Loving the Stepmomster
It wasn't easy, but I did grow to accept the woman my dad remarried.
The Way It Wasn't Supposed to Be
Divorce is a hateful thing. But with help, you can mend the torn fabric of your family's life.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
The Worst is Yet to Come
Divorce is hard on kids in the short term. What's troubling is their inability to "bounce back," even years later.
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
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