Question and Answer

We've recently become a blended family. As a new stepparent, what can I do to make the transition a smooth one?

First and foremost, be patient with each other, as well as with your children. Beyond that:

• Keep expectations realistic. Discuss your hopes together with the understanding that you'll need to be flexible. Also, don't expect blending to happen overnight.
• Allow time for grieving. While a new marriage is full of hope and promise, give everyone time to mourn the hopes and dreams that were lost. This could take up to a year or more in some cases.
• Don't force titles. Being called "Mom" or "Dad" by a stepchild may not happen right away. Don't take it personally. Allow those names to come gradually. If they don't come at all, be willing to work out an alternative together.
• Take time to analyze your own emotions. Parents who are too "outwardly focused" can overlook personal thoughts, fears or perceptions that may hold a key to effective blending. Be sensitive to internal variables.
• Give lots of affection to everyone in your new family. That means spending time alone with your spouse and making marital intimacy a priority. Meanwhile, if you've both brought children to the marriage, be sure to spend plenty of time with your own children so they don't feel abandoned in your attempt to bond with your new stepchildren. When you show affection to your stepteens, don't try to "prove yourself" to them, and don't make them feel as if they must "earn" your love. Overall, be genuine and create an environment of respect where everyone can share their emotions openly and honestly.
• Begin building a history together. Part of what makes a family feel like a family are common experiences and shared memories. Do things that build the "us." Plan trips. Play games. Establish holiday traditions. Be sure to take lots of pictures! Don't try to erase memories of the "old" family; simply work to build a new one together.

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Background Information

Portraits of a Stepfamily
A look at different types of stepfamilies can highlight the unique challenges each stepfamily may encounter.

Remarriage--A Step in the Right Direction?
In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.

Questions and Answers

What's the biggest hurdle blended families face?
Answer

There are many reasons why a teen may react strongly to a new parent. Some may require professional intervention, but others can be handled at home.
Answer

Is remarrying worth it when it involves blending families?
Answer

Television portrays blended families as a peaceful solution to divorce. Is this accurate?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Not the "Normal" Blended Family
Most families become blended through divorce, death and remarriage. Our blend is much different.

Loving the Stepmomster
It wasn't easy, but I did grow to accept the woman my dad remarried.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Out of Bounds
Here's how you can identify and deal with destructive patterns in your relationships.

Learning to Roll With Change
It's not the most fun you'll ever have, but the results are worth it.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together

Transitions: Getting Married

Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse

Life Applications

Disciplining As a Team
Present a united front by creating a discipline action plan before you need it, and create a structure and stable environment in which your stepfamily can thrive.

Different Homes, Different Values: Uniting Instead of Fighting
The former spouse would walk away or hang up the phone. The anger became a vicious cycle that had to be broken if our stepfamily was to survive.

Healthy Communication With Your Ex
Words are powerful. Use them wisely.

When You're the Stepparent
Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a challenge. Yet, with healthy expectations and a specific strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.