affairs
Avoiding and Ending an Affair
What can spouses do to safeguard their marriage? In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley says that the marriages most susceptible to infidelity are those where one or both spouses fail to meet their partners' primary needs. For wives, those needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial commitment and family commitment. Husbands' primary needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration.
Ways to avoid affairs
If you've only reached the point of temptation, but you haven't acted on it yet, make changes in your life so that it doesn't go any farther. Some ideas:
- Avoid spending time alone with people of the opposite sex. If you struggle with fantasizing about a sexual relationship with a particular person, stay away from the temptation by staying away from that person.
- Refuse to act on (or even reveal) feelings of attraction to someone other than your spouse. Don't share details of your marriage relationship — particularly problems — with a member of the opposite sex.
- Avoid outside influences and environments — such as business parties and private lunches, especially where drinking is involved — that could encourage infidelity.
- Make your spouse your top priority. Talk about problems and concerns and work through them together. Get joint counseling to help if necessary. If your spouse is angry or won't go to counseling, go by yourself. As he or she sees changes in you, your spouse might soften.
- Change your attitude about your marriage. See it as a commitment that can't be broken. Love flourishes in a relationship where there is complete trust, respect, and acceptance. Have fun with your spouse. Date each other again. How would you treat that person differently if you were trying to win his or her affections for the first time?
If you're in an affair and want out
While it won't be easy, your marriage may be able to survive an affair if you work at it.
- Ask for forgiveness from your spouse. Keep in mind that when you confess your affair to your spouse, it might be a big relief to you, but it will be just the beginning of the heartache, pain, and distrust for him or her. It may take years of counseling and work to regain that person's trust. While you’ll want to move on, seeking forgiveness is more than a one-time act; for your spouse to grant you forgiveness is certainly a long process. You can't try to rush through the emotional healing process.
- Don't be afraid to seek help and support. Get counseling from a minister or a professional counselor who can help you work through issues of lying, betrayal, mistrust, etc.
- Change your environment if necessary. If the affair happened at work, as hard as it is to take this step, maybe you need to find a different job. If it happened with a neighbor, maybe you need to move.
The good news is that infidelity doesn't have to be a marriage-killer. When couples are determined to work through the pain of adultery, to end the affair, to forgive and to seek counseling, their unions can often be restored.
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
