affairs
Disciplining As a Team
Most stepfamilies struggle with the most effective way to administer discipline to their children and stepchildren, and the division this can create wreaks havoc on the stepfamily unit. Kids in a stepfamily seem to know instinctively how to push just the right buttons to get their parent and stepparent arguing with each other instead of addressing and correcting the children's misbehavior. Don't fall for it! Present a united front by creating a discipline action plan before you need it, and create a structure and stable environment in which your stepfamily can thrive:
Talk about discipline before problems arise. Schedule conversations as a couple before times and discuss specifics: what forms of discipline your parents used, the discipline methods you have been using, and what punishments you feel are most effective. If one of you believes that spanking is appropriate while the other would prefer taking away privileges, work toward unity before the need to discipline arises. Make sure that you talk about the age differences, personality differences, and types of offenses each of your children or stepchildren is most likely to commit (deceit, talking back, defiance, and so on), so that you cover as much ground as possible. Consider creating a list of offenses and your agreed-upon consequences, and share it with your children. Better yet, give the kids input into what the rules are and the consequences for breaking them. Kids can't obey a rule they don't know, and with specific consequences spelled out, discipline can be applied dispassionately (without a big scene).
Let the biological parent take the heat. Remember that in order to be the most effective and create the least amount of long-term resentment in the children, the parent needs to be the one to administer discipline, not the stepparent. This is absolutely crucial, no matter how difficult this is for the parent to be the “bad guy” and how hard it is for the stepparent to step back when faced with a defiant child (or teen!). When the parent handles the discipline, it bypasses conflict with former spouses, bitterness taking root in children's hearts, and obstacles in relationship-building between stepchildren and stepparents.
Find a balance between permissiveness and the law. Parents are very good at administering grace to their children when they mess up; stepparents are more likely to administer the law. Every child needs both, but children in a stepfamily can blossom when that order is reversed. Let the parent be the heavy hand of discipline while the stepparent gets to be the good guy. If a spanking needs to be administered, call Mom — not Stepdad. If allowances are going to be handed out, let Stepmom or Stepdad do the honors.
Watch out for the pitfalls of passive-aggressive parenting and tattle-tale stepparenting. When the biological parent has a hard time saying no, don't pass the buck to the stepparent. On the same note, don't promise your child one thing and tell your spouse another. These situations put the couple at odds with each other and diverts the focus from the child's issue, and often they can turn a small incident into a large argument. On the other hand, stepparents need to be careful that they are not running to their spouse to give a detailed report of every minor infraction their stepchild commits. Examine your motive before telling on your stepchild. Deep down, do you want them to get in trouble, or do you really want to lovingly see rebellious behavior corrected?
Foster peace, and choose your battles wisely. Children that have been through divorce or the death of the spouse and who now must adjust to new stepparents and other new family members need positive reinforcement, encouragement, and love more than they need a heavy hand. Yes, every child needs structure, consistent boundaries, and effective discipline. However, adults need to recognize that children will test the limits of this new family unit to see if it can hold up under pressure. They have often seen lots of conflict. Now they need to see and be taught peaceful conflict resolution.
Back each other up. If a parent or stepparent issues a command or administers a punishment, the other adult must stand in agreement in front of the children. Parents who make light of what the stepparent says or tells kids they do not have to follow their stepparent's instructions teach their children disrespect and rebellion against their stepparent. Even if a parent feels that a stepparent is being too harsh (or vice versa), the couple must be united in front of the children. If the couple is not, the children quickly “divide and conquer,” creating chaos and fractured relationships in the stepfamily. Agree to agree in front of the kids, and enforce the command or punishment. Then talk about it later behind closed doors and decide together if changes need to be made.
Don't give up! If you reach an impasse as a couple or family, find a solid Christian counselor with knowledge of stepfamilies. Consider taking a parenting course together to further reveal your parenting styles. Read books together, and create fun memories with your children and stepchildren in times of non-conflict that will serve as a foundation for difficult times when they come. (For information about the counseling services offered on this site, visit our “Consider Counseling” page.)
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
