affairs
Healing the Wounds of Divorce
If you're among the one-third of Americans who have divorced, you're likely bearing deep emotional wounds.
Even if you're escaping a terrible situation, the effects of divorce can be devastating. Is there any hope for healing? Psychologist Thomas Whiteman, co-author of Starting Over (with Randy Petersen, Piñon Press, 2001) identifies six stages of divorce recovery. We've expanded the stages, adding some suggestions for moving through them. As you complete each stage, you'll be one step closer to recovery.
- Denial. Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance. While “denial” sounds bad, it's much like physical shock after an accident: The body shuts down until it can better deal with the pain. At this stage, you may need individual counseling with a minister or a professional counselor. Counseling can help you come to terms with the pain step-by-step as the initial shock of the divorce wears off.
- Anger. Perceived or real injustice about the divorce; it can either be a controlled burn or out-of-control rage. Once you're past the initial pain, being angry about your situation or at others involved is normal. It may even be justified (was the ex-spouse abusive or did he or she cheat?). That doesn't mean, however, that it's any less destructive. You need to control your anger and channel it toward healing. Maybe it's time to train for a marathon or paint the house! If you can't find a healthy outlet for your anger, seek counseling.
- Bargaining. Desperately trying anything to gain back the spouse (jealousy, a makeover, promises to never do something again, a vacation together, etc.). At this stage, you might benefit from a support group. Check out local churches to find one near you. People who have “been there, done that” can remind you in a supportive way that it's probably too late for quick fixes at this point. They'll help you realize that bargaining will likely set you up for a fall when a reconciliation doesn't work out (and the group will be there to catch you if you do fall or to help you put the pieces together after the landing).
- Depression. An empty emotional tank; commonly displays itself in physical ways (sleep disturbances, changed eating patterns, irritability, exhaustion, etc.). Again, it's a normal part of divorce to grieve the loss of your marriage. At this stage, you might want to find an accountability partner — of the same gender — who will listen. You're looking for someone who won't say, “Snap out of it!” but who'll encourage, “Just get through this day or this week, and I'll be here for you.” This might be an established friend or it might be someone new you meet through your support group.
- Acceptance. Recognizing the past is past; it's time to live in the present, and perhaps get ready to step forward into the future. This step occurs like a “light bulb” moment. It's an internal realization not easily brought about by outside influences. Yet a support group might help if you feel stuck in a previous stage and can't accept what's happened.
- Forgiveness. Releasing animosity toward the ex-spouse and establishing new relationships with healthy patterns and effective boundaries. For this final stage, a support group can be invaluable. Again, the “been there, done that” characteristic of a group can help you make sure the new relationship with your ex-spouse is a healthy one, grounded in the present (not trying to put the relationship back together) and aiming toward the future. This is the deep-cleaning stage, and a group can lift you up if you have feelings of emptiness (a resignation that the divorce is final) or renewed anger (if your ex-spouse doesn't accept your apologies).
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
