affairs
Special Situations
If you're reading this, you or someone you know is probably hurting, confused and disappointed with a relationship. Some hurts require specialized consideration. Those who have been deeply betrayed through infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse or domestic violence may need to get specific advice and help to know what to do next.
It's important to know that marriages have survived these terrible problems and have come back from the brink. As Dr. Mark Hoffman, a counselor in private practice explained, “Ninety-eight percent of the people headed toward divorce have no idea that you don't have to file for divorce. If there is domestic violence, psychological problems, depression, infidelity or adultery, if anything like that happens, they [still] don't have to go immediately [and] get a divorce.” 1
The process of healing is difficult and slow, but it can be done when both spouses are willing. The next few segments outline general thoughts about these issues, but the answers to these problems cannot adequately be addressed here. If you are in a difficult situation, please call one of our counselors for more personalized assistance. He or she will talk with you and offer as much help as possible, and will then refer you to a local counselor who can continue working with you in person.
What about infidelity?
Julia and Pete are living examples of a good marriage, but it wasn't always that way. Early in their marriage, Julia — who was from a blue-collar background — felt unwelcomed by Pete's wealthy parents. Even Pete seemed uncomfortable with her background. Ten years and three children later, Julia found that Pete's best friend — their next-door neighbor — gave her the admiration she so desperately wanted. The attraction between them soon turned into repeated physical encounters. Julia's affair almost destroyed the marriage. Fortunately, Pete's commitment to the marriage withstood the months it took Julia to end the affair. And his expressed love for her helped her overcome the guilt that almost drove her away. Through intense counseling and time, trust was restored. Pete has learned how to show his appreciation for Julia, and Julia discovered that Pete's character was far more admirable than the man who only made her feel good for his own gain. 2
Having experienced the horrible consequences of shattered trust, Julia offers this advice: “Once you have confirmed [the attraction for someone else] in any way, from that moment you are walking on hot coals. You better run from that person. It's just going to lead to heartbreak and heartache for everyone.” 3 Julia and Pete now have a restored marriage. It isn't easy, but as they proved, it can be done.
In Love Must Be Tough, Dr. James Dobson deals directly with the issue of adultery. This book sets out general principles for saving a marriage in which one spouse is drifting away. (The principles also apply to situations other than adultery.) It points out the common reactions of the “innocent” spouse (including pleading, panic, appeasement and passivity) and how those reactions often serve to drive the drifting spouse further away. If you are fighting for your marriage and want to restore a relationship that has been hurt by infidelity, this book is invaluable. You must be smart about handling this issue. Natural reactions can further damage the relationship, but as Julia and Pete found, there is hope if you are willing to take the necessary steps.
What about abuse?
While physical abuse between spouses is relatively rare compared to abuse by boyfriends and girlfriends, 4 it does occur and is a serious matter. If you are being abused by your spouse, you must get to a safe place immediately! Take your children and go to a trusted friend or relative's home. If that is not an option, check into a hotel, or call a church in your area and ask for a recommended safe house or domestic violence shelter. While you should let your spouse know you have moved out, do not let him or her know where you have gone. The primary need is the safety of you and your children.
Once you are in a safe place, you will have many tough decisions to make. An article like this cannot give you the answers for your specific situation. Please contact a real person who can listen and interact with you to meet your needs in a personal way. Do not try to cope with this alone! We are here to help. Please contact a member of our counseling staff. One of them will speak to you at no charge and give you some initial advice to help with your immediate concerns. He or she can then refer you to a local counselor who can help you work through your situation.
It is possible for an abusive spouse to change, but extensive counseling is usually required. As psychologist Dr. James Dobson advises, do not be quick to return if your spouse has abused you. A simple “I'm sorry, I won't do it again” is not enough in this case. Your spouse must demonstrate change for a prolonged period, and you must feel completely safe before you return. Remember: No matter what you have done, no one has the right to abuse you. Many victims of abuse experience false guilt or a sense of responsibility for the abuse. This is something a counselor can help you work through. In many cases, there is hope for reconciliation. But you must recognize abuse for the serious offense that it is. Please get help if you find yourself in this circumstance.
What about addictions?
Another serious problem that causes marital stress is substance abuse and addiction. Even nonviolent alcoholics can be verbally and emotionally difficult and hurtful. And the lapses in responsibility add stress to the sober spouse.
A growing number of men are becoming addicted to pornography. Pornographic material is readily available in our society, and the Internet has only maximized this problem. Like the alcoholic, some men will not admit they have a problem with pornography, or that it is even harmful.
Again, this article is not meant to help you with this kind of problem. If your spouse has an addiction, it is important that you have someone to talk this over with. We would be privileged to provide that support. Please call our Counseling department to talk over your specific situation and how best to address it.
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
