communication gaps
How Not to Fix Your Husband
As women, some of us secretly believe that the decision to spend our lives with someone comes with the understanding that we are entitled to change them in areas we feel need improvement. Of course, we know what's best for our spouse … I mean, what kind of man can make good choices when he can't even remember to put a new garbage bag in the trash container after emptying it (and after having been asked to do so four times, I might add)?
We, the silent members of the Perfect Wives' Club, have no time to be introspective and focus on our own imperfections, because we're exhausted after spending all of our energy on fixing our mates' flaws. What in the world did they do before we took over their lives? How did they dress themselves, show up to work on time, or find the closest parking space at Target? We got there just in time, ladies — before they collapsed in a heap on the floor!
OK. We all know this isn't true, at least entirely, but for some reason many of us have felt called to be our husbands' keepers. When my husband met me, he was attracted to my ambition and courageous zest for life. In contrast, I was drawn to his steady ability to handle whatever circumstances came his way. Someone once told me that the things that attract you to your spouse in the beginning may ultimately be the things that drive you crazy. Given the opportunity again, I would still choose to marry my husband. But I won't lie to you — our differences have been challenging. There have been moments when I've told him that he needed to fix everything that doesn't make sense in our marriage: our finances, his job, our families … and while he's at it, my postpartum depression. You can imagine that my lectures come complete with graphs, solutions and timelines. Following one of these “presentations,” I'm usually met with “the glaze,” as we like to call it, of my rather disinterested recipient.
It isn't because my husband doesn't share my goals and dreams, nor is it because he's not motivated toward positive growth. We are simply different. After all of my efforts to fix him, no matter how valid or well-intended those endeavors might have been, I've learned that they accomplish nothing. No, that would be incorrect; they actually do accomplish something. They succeed in making him feel like less of a man, minimizing his efforts to provide for his family. They make him wonder if he'll ever be enough or if I'll ever be proud of him. The more I try to make myself feel secure and safe by pushing him, the less motivated he becomes, the more insecure he feels, and the lower his shoulders sag.
I'm sharing this with you, because, while I haven't always chosen the higher road of understanding and compassion, I'm beginning to see that this is what my husband needs most. I'm learning to extend grace to him in those times, rather than taking an opportunity to communicate my need for answers. My father once told me that regardless of what anyone else thought of him, my mother's opinion was what mattered most. If this is true, I've got an enormous responsibility as a wife. It may be a lifelong journey for me, because of who I am and whom I chose as my partner. But, with each opportunity I am given, I will continue seeking to build rather than bully. If any of you struggle with some of these same issues, join me — as Valentine's Day approaches — in seeking to love our husbands in the manner that God loves us … with more grace than we can possibly imagine.
Background Information
The Second Decade of Love
Before the kids leave home, find a renaissance in your marriage.
We Need to Talk
Sometimes the biggest problem in a marriage is a matter of words.
Questions and Answers
What distinguishes a healthy marriage from one that is in serious trouble? How can a husband and wife know when their conflicts are within normal limits and when they are symptoms of more serious problems?
Answer
There are times when I just don't want to talk at all. My husband understands, but my kids get upset. Can't I just be quiet if I want to?
Answer
My husband and I never talk about the subject of sex, and this is frustrating to me. Is this a common problem in marriage?
Answer
What advice would you give to a woman whose husband just won't respond to her emotionally? That's my situation. My husband would rather keep his thoughts to himself. How can I deal with the longing inside me?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
A Hope Big Enough
Barbara Wise found out she was HIV positive. What would her fiance do when she told him the devastating news?
Communication Storm
A seemingly harmless question soon had my husband and me in the throes of a conversation meltdown.
Learning to Make Marriage Real
Here's how one newlywed is making her marriage last a lifetime.
Speaking In Code
The language between husband and wife sounds foreign to an outsider. But does each spouse understand what they're saying to one another?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Overcoming Bitterness
Holding on to bitterness takes a heavy toll. Letting go requires a new understanding and a new attitude.
Christ, Commitment, Communication
Here are three secrets that can make your marriage last a lifetime.
Marriage Mentoring
Something wonderful happens when a more mature couple reaches out to a new couple. By helping another couple form and live out their dreams, one's own dreams for marriage are reawakened and fulfilled.
Understanding Your Mate
Is your husband too busy or unresponsive? Here's some straight talk to help plug the communication gap in your marriage.
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
