caring for elderly parents
Full Circle
From where I sat in the dining room, I saw Dad come into the kitchen carrying a small bouquet of handpicked flowers. He had been in the yard checking the damage done by the previous night's killing frost. He grabbed a small white coffee mug, filled it with water and added a few hardy yellow mums and the lone rose that had survived.
"I couldn't find a vase," his voice cracked, "but I think she will like this." The mug read World's Greatest Grandma.
"It's perfect," I agreed.
Two weeks earlier Mom, from her hospital bed in the living room, had noticed the lone pink rose — her favorite color — poking through the ivy outside the window. No one remembered planting it. It seemed to be there just for her.
"This will be the last rose of the season, and the last. ..."
Dad stopped. I knew what he was thinking: The last rose he would ever give her. Mom was in the final days of her yearlong battle with colon cancer.
I sighed. For several months I had been trying to keep up with it all — a career, a busy family in Colorado and my aging parents in Indiana.
My dad, in his mid 70s, had been through prostate cancer surgery; six weeks later Mom collapsed. Emergency surgery revealed she had advanced colon cancer that had already spread to her liver and lungs. The doctor said, "three to six months, at best."
Rearranging life
Not again, I thought. We had lost my husband's mother to pancreatic cancer a year earlier. But we saw the difference his sister's care had made in his mom's final days. My husband and I agreed: I would be there for my mother.
At first, I flew back and forth on weekends. Then I rearranged my work schedule — crowding four weeks of work into three so I could spend the fourth with Mom.
Months later, when her care needs increased, she required someone around the clock. Dad did what he could, and the hospice nurses came daily, but I knew something had to give in my life. I couldn't spread my family any thinner, and a leave from work might not be enough time. So as much as I loved my job, I resigned.
For a while it seemed no matter what I was doing, I was letting someone or some responsibility go: my husband, home, my daughter in her first semester at college — not to mention friends. Who had time?
Yet I knew this season of life and its hardships — fatigue, little sleep, long days and nights, intense grief — like a killing frost, would pass. I would have no regrets being there, observing my parents' love and praying, singing, loving and caring for them as they had for me when I was a child.
A year later
On the anniversary of Mom's death I was with my dad in Indiana. Just before leaving I happened to remember, "Dad, did the rose come up again this year?"
"Oh, I doubt it. I haven't even watered that spot."
We walked over to the ivy bed. There, standing tall like last year, was a single pink rose. This time Dad picked it for me.
Background Information
Hospice: Offering Quality of Life to the End of Life
Approximately 30 years ago, a U.S. volunteer movement began that would revolutionize health care.
Advance Medical Directives
This comparison between Living Wills versus Durable Power of Attorney can help you make informed health care decisions for your aging parent.
Aging or Alzheimer's
Regular signs of growing older often get paralleled with Alzheimer's. Find out the difference.
Caregiving Support Systems
Providing for an aging parent can be stressful. It's important to be surrounded by others who can help.
Help From Hospice
For terminally ill patients, hospice is often a welcomed care option.
Questions and Answers
How can we show concern and respect for the elderly?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Making My Mother's End-of-Life Decision
If Mom lived, would she want to be a "vegetable" the rest of her life? What if she never came out of her coma? What would she want us to end her life?
The Long Goodbye
A daughter faces the harsh reality of her mother's Alzheimer's disease and the difficulty of loving the stranger her mother has become.
You Can Go Home Again
As parents reach their later years, many children feel the tug to move closer to them.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Loneliness and Depression Afflicting the Elderly
If you know an elderly person who you suspect is clinically depressed, don't brush it off. Do whatever is necessary to get them the help they need.
If I End Up Like Terri: An Open Letter to My Wife
Teri Schiavo's tragic death made many people think. One man reflected on his future with his wife
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
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Transitions: Getting Married
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