affairs
Fasten Your Seatbelts: Turbulence Ahead
Our friend Jake is a commercial pilot who loves to fly, especially when the weather is sunny and the winds are calm. But he tells us that bad weather and air turbulence are just part of flying. "Some turbulence can be avoided," Jake says, "but sometimes you simply have to fly through it.
The problem is, you don't know how much turbulence is out there, and you don't know how far it is to smooth air."
Building a marriage is similar to flying a plane. The only way to avoid turbulence is to stay on the ground and go nowhere. There are couples who would rather stay static and motionless than experience turbulence and growth. But for those who choose to build a more intimate, companionate marriage, there's an excellent chance they will experience turbulence on occasion.
Identifying marital turbulence
Arguing can be constructive when it involves expressing negative feelings in a positive way. But when we have negative feelings, we first need to look inward before we can relate outward. Dr. Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, writes, "When emotional intensity is high, many of us engage in nonproductive efforts to change the other person, and in so doing, fail to exercise our power to clarify and change our own selves." She suggests several questions to ask yourself: What am I really angry about? What is the problem and whose problem is it? How can I sort out who is responsible for what? How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless? When I am angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking? What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?
Once we are aware of our negative feelings and have some understanding of them, we are ready to confront anger as a couple.
We will always be indebted to our mentors, David and Vera Mace, for helping us to handle anger as a couple and to use it as a positive force in our relationship. The Maces suggest that couples make an anger contract.
We think the greatest problem in marriage is not the lack of communication but the inability to handle and process anger. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion; a person who doesn't get angry is not a normal human being. However, once angry, we are responsible for what we do. Venting anger simply increases the intensity, and suppressing it is unhealthy. The Maces suggest that a better way is to process it.
They made a contract that they activate at the first sign of anger. Here are their three steps, which we've modified and adopted as our own:
- We agree to acknowledge our anger to each other as soon as we become aware of it.
- We renounce the right to vent anger at each other. It's okay to say "I'm getting angry with you, but you know I'm not going to attack you." The other person does not have to defend himself.
- We will ask for the other's help in dealing with anger that develops. If your partner is angry with you and appeals to you to help clear it up, it is very much in your interest to respond. The Maces suggest forming a coalition. They say, "Our contract commits us to working on each angry situation that develops between us until we clear it up."
Resolving marital turbulence
In most conflicts, it isn't facts that are bothering us — it's the strong negative feelings. Once those feelings are defused and processed, it's simple to work at resolving the conflict. And you don't have to agree on everything. If we agreed on everything, one of us would be unnecessary!
There are four basic steps for resolving conflict:
- First, state the problem. Too often couples try to resolve conflict without agreeing on what the conflict really is!
- Second, identify what is at stake and what each has invested. Who has the greatest need for a solution? When Claudia was less satisfied than Dave about the division of chores in our home, Claudia felt the greatest need for a solution!
- Third, list possible solutions. The more the merrier. We brainstorm and think of as many solutions as possible. And remember, adding humor can relieve stress and lighten almost any situation.
- Last, choose one and try it! If your first choice doesn't work, check your list and try another.
Now it's time to examine your own marital skies — to look at how you really feel, how you can begin to process anger through signing and using an anger contract, and how you can resolve conflict in a way that turns your marital turbulence into a smooth flight. Take our challenge and discover that you can fly the friendly skies with your copilot!
Background Information
The Truth About Emotional Affairs
At work and online, crossing the line from platonic friendship to emotional infidelity happens at an alarming rate.
An All-Too-Common Affair
Why do so many people get trapped in affairs?
Danger Signs of an Affair
Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognizable symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Questions and Answers
My marriage seems beyond repair to me. My husband is running around with other women and threatening to divorce me. Is there really any hope for us?
Answer
Is cybersex "cheating"?
Answer
My husband has been having an affair for the past three months. Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Reconcilable Differences
What's the secret to bringing a relationship back from the brink of divorce?
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
The Freedom in Forgiveness
Sometimes the comfort of holding a grudge can blind us to the relief of letting it go.
Special Situations
Even in cases of adultery, abuse and addictions, divorce isn't always the solution.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Love & Sex: Dating, Living Together
Transitions: Getting Married
Abuse & Addictions: Pornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse
