sexual activity
Question and Answer
My husband and I have suspected our 16-year-old has been sexually active. She recently confirmed that. Now what?
First, address your own emotional reaction privately with your spouse. Give yourself credit for doing something right. After all, if your teen trusts you enough to share such information, the door of communication must be open at least a little — and that's critical if you hope to help her rebound.
Second, realize that your daughter has been severely damaged. Some teens may cover up the hurt and be insensitive to their own pain, but it's there. She needs to be reassured of your love, especially since she's violated your values. Then assess the damage. You don't know specifically how this has impacted her. Listen carefully. What may crush you with grief may not be paramount to her. Ask her:
- Has there been any physical trauma? Does she require medical attention?
- Was it a single occasion, or an ongoing situation? Is it occurring now?
- Is it possible that a pregnancy will result? Any evidence of sexually transmitted diseases?
- Were relationships damaged, friends lost? (This is a serious concern for a teen.)
- Is your teen impacted by guilt? Did she violate her own standards?
- How has this behavior affected her walk with God?
Perhaps most important, what is her assessment of her actions? Justification, defense or approval signal a continued risk of sexual involvement and related pain. On the other hand, if she is genuinely repentant, give her encouragement, reassurance of your love and the hope of "secondary virginity" by God's grace. Be steady and self-controlled. An explosive reaction will squelch communication and build emotional barriers between you and your daughter.
For parents of boys, keep in mind that males often have a different perception of the "damage done." Their way of relating to girls, sexual attitudes and spiritual commitments all may be negatively changed. Pain or hurt can seem pretty distant, especially since most of their culture approves of males seeing females as sexual objects. The wounds may be more subtle, but they're equally essential to restore.
Solutions may be obvious to some hurts. Others will require deeper analysis. A professional Christian counselor can provide solid, objective help, especially for teens who are defiant or defensive. The key is to establish in your teen a confidence that you love them and will stand by them during this time of restoration.
Background Information
Is Sex Ever Really "Safe?"
Despite what Planned Parenthood wants you to believe, saying "no" is still the only real protection.
Risk Factors for Premarital Sex
Concerned your teen is having sex? These indicators may help you decide to confront your teen.
Why Teens Have Sex
Oh, sure, it's a possibility, but despite what experts tell us, teen sex is not inevitable.
Let's Talk About Sex
How do you make the right decision about when — and with whom — you should have sex?
Questions and Answers
If our kids are going to have sex anyway, shouldn't we make sure they are properly protected?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Pure Again
Virginity's well and good," you say, "but not everyone has waited." What can be said to those who have already crossed the line?
What's Good About Sex?
Sex clubs, Internet porn, AIDS ... with so much perversion, it's easy to forget what God intended sex to be.
When It Comes to Sex, Character Counts
Teaching character can make a difference in your child's future sex life.
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
