crisis pregnancy
When Your Son is the Father
If your son has had a sexual relationship from which a pregnancy has resulted, remember that he will probably be experiencing many of the same emotions as his girlfriend, including fear, guilt and ambivalence. In addition, he will feel considerable conflict and confusion over the role he should play.
Usually the relationship with the mother-to-be has not, until this point, involved any long-range plans. Now he must make a decision about the level of commitment he intends to assume, and the issues are significant. What does he owe this young woman? Can he walk away from this situation? Should he make a lifelong commitment to her because of this unplanned pregnancy? He does not bear the biological consequences, of course, and the mother of the baby has the legal right to have an abortion or carry the pregnancy to term with or without his input. This may leave him with the impression that he has no control over the unplanned pregnancy and therefore no responsibility for it. As his parents, you are one step further removed from the situation and may have similar questions about the role you should play.
Above all, your son will need encouragement and guidance to assume the appropriate level of responsibility for his role in the pregnancy. He should not be allowed to abandon his girlfriend with a cavalier, hit-and-run attitude. "It's her problem now," "She should have protected herself" or even "She should just get an abortion" are shallow and disrespectful responses to a serious situation. Pushing for a quick marriage may seem honorable, but is probably unwise. Teenage matrimony carries with it very short odds of long-term success, and the combination of immaturity, lack of resources, and the intense demands of a newborn baby will usually strain an adolescent relationship to the breaking point.
In a best-case scenario, the families of both participants will cooperate to find a productive balance among several tasks: facing the consequences of the sexual relationship, accountability of adolescents to the adults in both families, short- and long-term planning, and mature decision-making.
Your son will need encouragement to acknowledge his responsibility to the girl's family and to accept with humility their response, whether it is measured or angry. All of you may have to face the possibility that the other family will choose to deal with the pregnancy on their own, even if you are willing to participate in the process. And if that decision includes forbidding your son to have further contact with someone about whom he cares very deeply, he will have to find the strength to abide by the other family's wishes. If he is allowed to continue their relationship and support her when the going gets tough, clear ground rules (including abstaining from sexual contact) will need to be established and respected.
Having a pregnant girlfriend is tough and painful. But it also can be an opportunity for your son to mature--to find out what he is made of. In the long run, the pregnant adolescent girl isn't the only one who has to make important choices.
Background Information
Behind the Scenes of a Teen Pregnancy
A look at the thoughts and feelings she — and you — are going through.
Abortion Risks
While abortion seems like a "quick fix" for a long-term problem, it is a permanent decision that carries physical, emotional and spiritual risks.
Deciding About Adoption
When considering adoption as an alterative to raising your baby, these answers may dispel adoption myths.
Questions and Answers
Why do I feel like this pregnancy has pulled me in so many different directions? I feel so overwhelmed with all the ramifications of this decision I must make. How can I sort it all out?
Answer
My pregnant daughter has her whole life still ahead of her. Would it be better for her to place her baby with a family through adoption, parent her baby or have an abortion?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Things Seen and Unseen
A woman in a white coat walked into the room and flipped on the fluorescent lights, jarring my wife awake. The jarring was just beginning.
Left to Suffer
Abortion can leave a woman feeling more empty and alone than she ever dreamed possible.
Life is Sacred
Sometimes the choices we make bring pain. Thankfully, one woman turned to God for healing.
Taboo Grief: Men and Abortion
It's not something most men talk about, but the ones who've lost a child to abortion bear many scars.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Faith Helps
God may be the only person who understands what you're going through.
What the Choice is All About
For a long time it baffled me. I could never understand why anyone would want to be pro-choice. But this past week I finally got it.
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
