dating
Red Flags for Parents and Teens in Dating Relationships
"It was past closing time, so not many people were around. And he was angry. I could see it in his eyes. He sat me down and gave it to me straight. It was then I saw the real him . . . he hit me, head butted me twice and got in my face, screaming bitter words of hatred. I have never been so scared. He grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into a nearby wall. Then he closed his hands around my throat and began banging my head against the wall. My eyes were watering. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to die."
These are not the words of a woman who has been abused by her husband—rather these are the haunting words of a teenager describing a violent incident that took place in the high school hallway involving her boyfriend.
In order to help teens who are trapped in the clutches of dating violence, parents need to be on the alert for danger signs, and teens need to learn how to recognize the red flags of abusive behavior so they can avoid unhealthy relationships.
Watch the Signs!
Is your daughter involved in an abusive relationship?
- Does she seem afraid of her boyfriend at times?
- Does he make most of the decisions about what they will do, where they will go?
- Does he call frequently and demand to know where she is?
- Does she give up activities that were once very important to her (sports, music, etc.)?
- Does she spend all her time with her boyfriend, and very little time with girlfriends?
- Have you heard her explaining every detail of her day to her boyfriend and trying to make him understand why she was later than she expected in getting home?
- Does she make excuses for his behavior (anger, jealousy, etc.)?
- Have you seen or heard him losing his temper toward your daughter or someone else?
- Has her appearance changed? Does she need his approval for the clothing and makeup she wears?
- Does she have unexplained injuries or bruises?
- Does she seem depressed or anxious?
- Does she criticize herself?
- Does she refuse to talk about the relationship?
Red Flags of an Abusive Relationship
Does Your Boyfriend . . .
- Punch, kick, grab, choke, or exert physical control over you?
- Degrade you in private, but turn on the charm in public?
- Insult your beliefs or friends?
- Ridicule women in general?
- Constantly ignore your feelings, but expect you to always be considerate of his?
- Threaten to hurt you if you don't do what he says? Threaten your family or friends?
- Prevent you from leaving his presence or block the doorway so you can't get through?
- Threaten you with a weapon?
- Use drugs or alcohol?
- Control where you go, who you talk to, and what you do?
- Enjoy pornography?
- Keep track of your time and the money you spend?
- Expect you to look and act a certain way?
- Become overly jealous and possessive?
- Restrict you from extra-curricular activities (sports, music) or outings with your friends unless he is along?
- Constantly accuse you of cheating on him, flirting with other guys, dressing provocatively?
- Have frequent mood swings (switching from being calm to full of rage in a moment's notice)?
- Blame his problems on other people?
- Have a parent who is abusive in the home?
- Enjoy hurting or killing animals for no reason?
- Become easily irritated—small things set him off?
- Need to control all the decisions and circumstances?
Surveys show that at least 28% of teen relationships involve violence (at least 1 in every 4). What a tragic legacy we have passed on to the next generation!
Background Information
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
The pain of a broken relationship is real, but not forever.
To Date or Not to Date
How you view dating and marriage will determine your teen's expectation when he goes to middle and high school.
Questions and Answers
Our 16-year-old daughter has started dating. How do we help her keep perspective and avoid trouble?
Answer
Proms sure have changed since I was in school. I'm a little nervous about allowing my teenage daughter to go. What should I do?
Answer
Should we discourage our son from getting involved in a "summer romance"?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
What is Sex Worth?
Sex before marriage cost more than I dreamed.
Who's On First
Are you dating or just friends? Maybe the other person changed the rules. Then again, maybe you just haven't been paying attention.
Kiss Me Now
One couple's decision to postpone physical affection of even the simplest kind.
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
