communication problems
How To Respect Your Teen
A big mistake teens make is in equating respect with permission. "If you respect me, you'll let me " Been there? Well, it's not true! Respect and permission are two different things. "Respect" is defined as an act of giving a person particular attention, special regard or considering them worthy of high esteem. You do need to "give particular attention" and "special regard" to your son. Even as a minor. Even when he's not reflecting it back to you. That's often hard. You can demonstrate respect to him by:
- Listening completely to him before drawing conclusions or making decisions. Take this extra time. Invest it. It may or may not change your mind, but listen first. "Listening" doesn't mean "agreeing."
- Extending as much trust to him as he has proven to be trustworthy. Trust is earned. Give him as much freedom as he has shown he can handle. No more. No less. This can be a tough balancing act.
- Being consistent in your words, deeds, decisions, rules and choices. It's hard for a teen to respect anyone who is inconsistent or hypocritical.
- Establishing rules that are logical, fair, reasonable and truthful. Rules are often made out of convenience for the parent, or to assuage an adult's fears or need for control. Resist that temptation.
- Admitting when he's right and you're wrong. Such honesty is the backbone of mutual respect.
- Never belittling or intentionally embarrassing him. Publicly or privately; it doesn't matter. No name-calling — not even if you're angry. Young people can be gravely wounded by the careless words of parents.
- Distinguishing between his behavior and his character. It's one thing to point out wrong actions, but be careful not to attack your child's character in the process.
- Reminding him that he is made in God's image. If your child claims to represent the Lord, he should be seeking the respect of others as a way of honoring God with his witness.
As you do these things consistently, you'll be showing him respect — even though you don't always "give in" to his requests. This balance of justice, guidance and respect will be a valuable example of how he should extend respect to you even when you don't see eye to eye.
Background Information
Ten Needs of Every Teen
Fulfilling the needs (not necessarily wants) of our teenagers enables us to forge strong, life-lasting friendships with them.
Ten Things Your Teen is Reluctant to Tell You
Just knowing what your teen is thinking can make all the difference.
The Scourge of Sarcasm
Often it's not what you say, but how you say it that matters most.
Questions and Answers
My son complains that we never listen to him. How can we prove that we are indeed paying attention?
Answer
My teen says we're disrespecting him, yet he's the one acting disrespectfully toward us. What should we do?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Is Anybody In There?
Talking with your teen can be a challenge, but it's worth the payoff.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
