rebellion
An Endless Debate
As your son moves into his teen years, "rules" should slowly give way to "advice." This transition will usually be slower than he wants and faster than you want! Still, it needs to take place. Rethink the old rules. Determine which battles are really worth fighting, and which issues are important enough to risk damaging the relationship. Some absolutes are worth that conflict, but they are few, and should be chosen carefully. Once you are confident about which rules to keep intact, clearly communicate your position on those key issues, and don't waffle when challenged. All other areas are now open for negotiation in a whole new context.
Very rarely are teenagers given the opportunity to learn proper negotiating skills. If you already have a style that works for you in the business world, describe it to your son. Practice it. Rely on it. If you have no specific method, try these steps:
- Begin by stating the issue clearly enough for everyone to understand.
- Stick to one subject at a time. If the conversation drifts, bring it back to the core issue.
- Establish all the points that you both agree on, even if they seem obvious. This key step is often overlooked.
- Use "I" rather than "you" statements. "I don't understand" will go a lot farther than "You don't make any sense!"
- Accept ahead of time that the final solution may not be exactly what you want, but a result of the give and take inherent to negotiation.
- Once an agreement is reached, summarize it for everyone involved so there will be no misunderstanding later on.
Two words of warning. First, there's a difference between "negotiating" and "manipulating." Manipulation is taking with no legitimate giving. Don't allow yourself to be on either end of it. Also, on rare occasions there's a need for immediate obedience that transcends negotiation. If such a situation arises, communicate clearly, "I want you to obey now out of necessity; we can discuss the whole matter later."
Background Information
Ten Things Your Teen is Reluctant to Tell You
Just knowing what your teen is thinking can make all the difference.
Understanding the Stormy Teen Years
It's notoriously rocky, but if you're prepared, you'll be more likely to survive.
Where Is This Coming From?
Help your teen discover the source of his anger.
Questions and Answers
We're afraid that our daughter will run away. How can we stop her?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
