discipline
What Children Want Their Divorced Parents to Know
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m really sorry that you are getting a divorce, and I know that you both are hurting. But don't forget that this isn't an easy time for any of us; my heart aches, too. I've thought of a hundred questions you need to answer for me: Who should I live with? How do I grieve? Will we have to move? And I've thought of just as many things I'd like to tell you.
If we could sit down and talk about how you could help me adjust to these new circumstances, here's what I'd say:
- Don’t insult each other when I’m around. When I start dating, I’ll need to know that I can relate to the opposite sex. If you are mean to each other, I might start thinking that having a stable relationship—never mind a lifelong marriage—is an impossible feat. Don’t worry; I can form my own opinions about both of you without your help.
- Tell me how my life will change. Imagine how you would feel if someone packed up your belongings, moved you to another home and didn’t explain why. Let me know what to expect about future living arrangements, visitations, chores, school and friends.
- Don’t stick me in the middle of the conflict. Dad, when I'm at your house, I get uncomfortable when you start asking lots of questions about life at Mom's house. Instead of asking me, find out for yourself! Mom, don’t make me deliver messages for Dad. That’s your job.
- Reassure me that the divorce is not my fault. I might even respond by saying, "I know it isn't my fault." Tell me I'm not to blame anyway. Say it several times, especially during the first few years because I might forget.
- Don’t fight with each other when I am around. This makes me feel unsafe and afraid. If you feel angry when you meet, show some self-control, and don't argue where I can hear. My heart is fragile right now, so protect it by being kind to one another.
- If you think about remarrying, let me know and include me in on the plans. Also, please don’t play favorites. It’s important that I feel like I belong to your new family.
- Talk to me about my feelings. I need to know it’s normal to feel anger, sadness or fear. Show patience when I am hurting, and explain healthy ways to deal with my emotions, like punch a pillow or talk to a school counselor, a church friend, teacher, neighbor or grandparent. Of course, I might not want to talk about the divorce. That's okay. Maybe I can tell you how I feel in other ways, like drawing pictures.
- Reassure me that you won't abandon me. I love you both and I never want to lose you. I need to know that you still love me and will always stay around for me, even though we aren’t going to live in the same house.
- Watch for signs of depression. If you see I’m excessively moody or sad, that may signal depression. Other signs include insomnia or hypersomnia (oversleeping), loss of concentration, cutting or recurring thoughts of suicide. If you see these or any other signs of depression, I may need help from a licensed counselor.
- Set boundaries with me. If you’re the parent who I visit on weekends and holidays, you might feel like giving me everything I want. Don't give in to this temptation! I need boundaries more than ever to feel secure. When we’re together, make sure I know the rules. This makes me feel safe and helps me deal with the pain I feel.
- If you’re the parent I don’t live with regularly, call me on the days when we are not together. I like talking to you. Even though I might seem uninterested, take the time to call and check in with me. This makes me feel special.
- Don’t make promises to me unless you intend to keep them. This will rebuild my trust in you. If you mess up and you don't keep a promise, just apologize.
- Keep my normal routine. Please keep my life unchanged as much as possible. I still want to visit Grandma and Grandpa and hang out with friends.
Remember, what I need most is your love and understanding.
All my love,
Your son or daughter
Background Information
Journey of No Return
Sometimes as parents, we have a knee-jerk response to our kids as we're barraged by their numerous inquires and desires. Maybe it's time to stop being so negative.
When Not To Discipline
Parents should recognize when they should and shouldn't discipline their children.
When You Feel Like Calling in the SWAT Team
Are your children constantly testing you? This classic parenting advice will help you regain the upper hand.
Questions and Answers
After I spank my child, she usually wants to hug me and make up, but I continue to be cool to her for a few hours. Do you think that is right?
Answer
We'd like to be more unified in our approach, but how do we successfully move from two financial approaches to one?
Answer
How long do you think a child should be allowed to cry after being punished? Is there a limit?
Answer
I have never spanked my 3-year-old because I am afraid it will teach her to hit others and be a violent person. Do you think I am wrong?
Answer
It just seems barbaric to cause pain to a defenseless child. Is it healthy to spank him or her?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Ten Things Toddlers Wish They Could Tell You
It can do wonders for the frazzled parent to know what's going on in the mind of your little one.
Related Topics
Transitions: Having a Baby, Preparing for Adolescence
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-At-Home Moms, Time for Family
Relationships: Parents and Adult Children, Blended Families
