sibling rivalry
Lay Down the Law
Sibling rivalry is also at its worst when there is no reasonable system of justice in the home — where the "lawbreakers" do not get caught, or if apprehended are set free without standing trial. It is important to understand that laws in a society are established and enforced for the purpose of protecting people from each other. Likewise, a family is a mini society with the same requirement for protection of human rights.
For purposes of illustration, suppose that I live in a community where there is no established law. Policemen do not exist and there are no courts to whom disagreements can be appealed. Under those circumstances, my neighbor and I can abuse each other with impunity. He can take my lawnmower and throw rocks through my windows, while I steal the peaches from his favorite tree and dump my leaves over his fence. This kind of mutual antagonism has a way of escalating day by day, becoming ever more violent with the passage of time. When permitted to run its natural course, as in early American history, the end result can be feudal hatred and murder.
As indicated, individual families are similar to societies in their need for law and order. In the absence of justice, "neighboring" siblings begin to assault one another. The older child is bigger and tougher, which allows him to oppress his younger brothers and sisters. But the junior member of the family is not without weapons of his own. He strikes back by breaking the toys and prized possessions of the older sibling and interferes when friends are visiting. Mutual hatred then erupts like an angry volcano, spewing its destructive contents on everyone in its path.
Nevertheless, when the children appeal to their parents for intervention, they are often left to fight it out among themselves. In many homes, the parents do not have sufficient disciplinary control to enforce their judgments. In others, they are so exasperated with constant bickering among siblings that they refuse to get involved. In still others, parents require an older child to live with an admitted injustice "because your brother is smaller than you." Thus, they tie his hands and render him utterly defenseless against the mischief of his bratty little brother or sister. Even more commonly today, mothers and fathers are both working while their children are at home busily disassembling each other.
Respect comes with relationship
There should be reasonable "laws" which are enforced fairly for each member of the family. For purposes of illustration, let me list the boundaries and rules which have evolved through the years in my own home.
- Neither child is ever allowed to make fun of the other in a destructive way. Period! This is an inflexible rule with no exceptions.
- Each child's room is his private territory. There are locks on both doors, and permission to enter is a revocable privilege. (Families with more than one child in each bedroom can allocate available living space for each youngster.)
- The older child is not permitted to tease the younger child.
- The younger child is forbidden to harass the older child.
- The children are not required to play with each other when they prefer to be alone or with other friends.
- We mediate any genuine conflict as quickly as possible, being careful to show impartiality and extreme fairness.
As with any plan of justice, this plan requires respect for leadership of the parent, willingness by the parent to mediate, occasional enforcement or punishment. When this approach is accomplished with love, the emotional tone of the home can be changed from one of hatred to (at least) tolerance.
Background Information
Unfair Comparisons
Jealousy is often the by-product of comparison.
Questions and Answers
Why do my kids have to fight all the time? I have three of them, and they drive me crazy. Why can't they be nice to each other?
Answer
Our 3-year-old daughter was thrilled about having a new brother or sister. Now, however, she shows signs of jealousy. Please suggest some ways I can ease her through this period of adjustment.
Answer
Our daughter is showing signs of jealousy. How can I help her adjust to a sibling?
Answer
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Stories
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Other Things to Consider
Children: Are They Worth It?
Children can be demanding, frustrating and exhausting. But they can also be a tremendous source of positive change in our lives.
Related Topics
Transitions: Having a Baby, Preparing for Adolescence
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-At-Home Moms, Time for Family
Relationships: Parents and Adult Children, Blended Families
