sibling rivalry
Holiday Hostility
Christmas is a beautiful time of year with smiling children opening presents under the tree—but that's not always the case. Check out this scene.
Mom: Mark, since you're the oldest why don't you hand out presents? Then we can open them one at a time and see the happy expressions on each other's face.
Tom (6-year-old): Why does he get to do everything? I never get to do anything.
Mom: Okay, Tom, you can help your brother.
Mark (8 years old): I don't want his help.
Dad: Boys, please get along. It's Christmas.
(General huffing and grumbling, but no fighting, can be heard as presents are handed out—until . . .)
Tom: Hey, look! I got more presents than Mark. Ha! Ha!
Mark (pausing to count presents): Mom, why did Tom get more presents than me? That's not fair.
Mom: Well, Honey, your presents cost more because you're bigger.
Mark (gloating to Tom): Did you hear that? I'm the biggest, and you're the smallest.
Tom (pouting): I'll always be the smallest. It's not fair.
Does it seem like sibling rivalry never takes a holiday at your house? Dr. James Dobson says brotherly bickering is as old as the human race.
"The underlying source of this conflict is old-fashioned jealousy and competition between children," Dr. Dobson explains. "It was responsible for the first murder on record (when Cain killed Abel) and has been represented in virtually every two-child family from that time to this."
But don't be discouraged. While sibling rivalry may be a problem difficult to avoid, its effects can be managed and minimized.
Second, Dr. Dobson says parents should try to avoid circumstances that compare children unfavorably with each other. When the mom in the above scene said Mark was bigger, Tom immediately became defensive about his size. And boys are especially sensitive about their physical stature and athletic ability.
Finally, Dr. Dobson and his wife made some house rules about sibling rivalry as they reared their children, Danae and Ryan. Some of these concepts could really help Mark and Tom's parents.
No. 1: Neither child should ever be allowed to make fun of the other in a destructive way. Period! This is an inflexible rule with no exceptions.
No. 2: The older child is not permitted to tease the younger child.
No. 3: The younger child is forbidden to harass the older child.
Obviously, Mark and Tom have mastered the art of teasing and harassing each other. Siblings do tend to have an uncanny knack of pushing the right buttons. However, their parents shouldn't let this behavior continue.
Dr. Dobson says that if children respect the leadership of the parent and the parent is willing to mediate and enforce the rules, even a harried holiday can turn into a happy one.
Background Information
Unfair Comparisons
Jealousy is often the by-product of comparison.
Questions and Answers
Why do my kids have to fight all the time? I have three of them, and they drive me crazy. Why can't they be nice to each other?
Answer
Our 3-year-old daughter was thrilled about having a new brother or sister. Now, however, she shows signs of jealousy. Please suggest some ways I can ease her through this period of adjustment.
Answer
Our daughter is showing signs of jealousy. How can I help her adjust to a sibling?
Answer
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Stories
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Other Things to Consider
Children: Are They Worth It?
Children can be demanding, frustrating and exhausting. But they can also be a tremendous source of positive change in our lives.
Related Topics
Transitions: Having a Baby, Preparing for Adolescence
Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-At-Home Moms, Time for Family
Relationships: Parents and Adult Children, Blended Families
