sexual dissatisfaction in marriage

Gender Differences in Orgasms

by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

The difference in the amount of time it takes for a man to achieve orgasm versus a woman is a real one. A man usually needs about two or three minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm, but a woman generally needs 10 times that amount of time. Dr. John Gray, author of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, says, "For a woman to experience the big 'O,' a man needs to place the 'O' after his two or three minutes, making it 20 to 30 minutes." 1

Orgasm is different for men than for women. A man's orgasmic feeling is centered primarily in his genitals. For a woman, orgasmic feelings begin in her genitals but send waves throughout the whole body and back to the genitals. When a man reaches "the point of no return," he must ejaculate. The house could be on fire, but his "fire" must be put out first! In contrast, a woman's orgasmic response can be broken even after it has begun. Countless wives know the frustration of being on the brink of orgasm when the baby cries or the phone rings, and the edge of ecstasy is lost.

Here are some other ways men and women differ when it comes to orgasms:

  • For most men, orgasm is instinctive. For most women it is learned.
  • Men climax easily during intercourse. Most women can't achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris.
  • A man's climax generally lasts from 10 to 13 seconds. A woman's lasts from six to 60 seconds. 2
  • After orgasm, a man must have a recuperative period. A woman is capable of repeated orgasms with them coming minutes apart or in rapid succession.
  • During sex, a man's body releases oxytocin, a hormone thought to cause drowsiness, which makes him want to sleep. 3While a woman is relaxed after sex, she often wants to stay awake and talk or cuddle.
  • "Men have their peak orgasms between ages 18 to 20; women soar sexually in their 30s and 40s." 4
1 John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollins, 1995), 63.
2 John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollins, 1995), 63.
3 Carolyn Hagan, “How to Make a Good ‘O' Great,” Glamour, May 1998, 287.
4 Hagan, “How to Make a Good ‘O' Great,” 285.
Excerpted from Intimate Issues. Copyright © 1999 Linda Dillow or Lorraine Pintus. Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO. All rights reserved.

Background Information

Just Hold Me
Men and women both desire — and need — physical connection.

Virtual Unfaithfulness: Pornography Use in a Marriage
Why shouldn't a husband and wife use pornography to increase their sexual excitement and enhance their lovemaking?

When Sex Isn't Satisfying
Here's a look at the origins of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage.

Questions and Answers

Why are some men and women less sensual than others?
Answer

My wife will not respond to me sexually unless the circumstances are just right. Are other women like this?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Unhappy in Bed
If sex is supposed to be great, why is it less than satisfying for so many couples?

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
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