miscarriage
Taboo Grief: Men and Abortion
Michael "Chico" Goff was an honor student and a talented athlete headed for the pros in baseball when a knock on his door the summer after high school graduation changed his life. It was his girlfriend. She was pregnant.
Chico did what many in his situation have done — he convinced her to get an abortion. “Neither of us wanted to hassle with parenting,” he explains. “But I was the one who felt stronger about it. So I did what I thought was the responsible thing to do: I took her down to the clinic, and she had the abortion.”
It wasn't until the following fall that the impact of what he had done crashed down on Chico. “I would walk into a grocery store and hear a baby crying, and it would totally spook me.” Ultimately, guilt and shame led Chico to seek counsel from a local pastor, where he learned about God's forgiveness and became a Christian.
Another man was faced with the same situation when someone knocked on his door. “I was about 24 years old when I began a relationship with a woman at work,” Don [not his real name] said. “The relationship fell apart, but a few weeks after it ended, she informed me she was pregnant.”
When Don, who had backslidden from his faith, learned she was considering abortion, he protested. “I was in sales at the time, and I used every sales tactic I had ever learned to persuade her not to go through with it.” Don lost the battle. Though he refused to pay for the procedure or even accompany her to the clinic, he agreed to pick her up afterwards. When he was driving her home, they were both traumatized by the sight of a mother at a bus stop, holding a newborn.
In both cases, the men initially felt a sense of relief, followed quickly by regret, sorrow and conviction. Both are permanently scarred.
They've been called forgotten fathers, men stripped of their fundamental right to protect their unborn children. Their grief is not validated by a society that paradoxically demands accountability from the deadbeat dad but scorns the one who wants his child to live.
“Abortion rewrites the rules of masculinity,” says Dr. Vincent Rue, one of the nation's leading psychologists in post-abortion issues. “Whether or not the male was involved in the abortion decision, his inability to function in a socially prescribed manner leaves him wounded and confused.” Society is not sympathetic to abortion survivors in general (Post-Abortion Syndrome is still not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association), and men are virtually ignored when it comes to abortion. Men are bypassed legally as well. “Most men do not realize until they face a problem pregnancy that they have been stripped of all legal recourse to protect their unborn child,” says Wayne Brauning, founder of Men's Abortion Recovery Ministries in Coatesville, Pa.
“There's a sense that this is not your issue,” says Chico. “You've donated something to the process, but the process really happens outside of you.”
Abortion rights come neatly packaged with two lies: Abortion is a woman's issue only, and the death of the unborn is not a real death. By accepting both lies, men who have lost children to abortion already have two strikes against them when they are confronted with their loss. Strike three is called when men neglect their own healing to console the woman, rather than express their own feelings of anger, hurt or betrayal.
Background Information
When Grief Doesn't End
Despair can halt the natural and healthy process of grieving.
Understanding Miscarriage
Here are the symptoms and causes of miscarriage.
What Not to Say
Sometimes even people with good intentions say the most hurtful things.
Questions and Answers
What are some common reactions to a miscarriage?
Answer
When I want to get pregnant again, is there anything I can do to improve my chances of carrying the baby to term?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Suffering Toward God
Facing their daughter's death forces one couple to answer life's hardest questions.
I Never Knew You, Still I Love You
One woman's story of her grieving period when she miscarried.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Hope and Comfort From the Bible
If you're asking God why this happened to your baby, here are some of His answers from the Bible.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Abuse & Addiction: Pornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse
Parenting Children: Talking About Sex
Parenting Teens: Sexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality
Transitions: Getting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby
