miscarriage
Why the Post-Abortive Woman Doesn't Talk About Her Abortion
Many women who have abortions are uncertain about their decision. Their feelings scream, “This is my baby, I will do what I need to in order to protect and nurture this child.” But too often, their circumstances yell, “This is not a good time to have a baby. Abortion is legal and easy. It’ll be as if it never happened. It’s the only solution to this mess.”
Simply put, most women who choose abortion are going against their own morals, and that explains why they feel guilt afterward. And the guilt is what stops them from talking about the abortion or getting the emotional help they need. A number of counselors who have explored this issue have identified a condition that they call “post-abortion syndrome” (or PAS), defined as an ongoing inability to:
Process the painful thoughts and emotions — especially guilt, anger and grief — which arise from one or more unplanned pregnancies and subsequent abortions. Identify (much less grieve) the loss that has been experienced. Come to peace with God, herself and others involved in the pregnancy and abortion decision.
If a woman chooses to have an abortion in order to bring a personal crisis to an end, why on earth should she be upset afterward about losing her baby? Needless to say, the post-abortive woman faces a number of monumental barriers to moving through the process of grieving her loss, or even recognizing that she has experienced a loss at all:
There is no external evidence that her baby ever existed. (no pictures or other memorabilia). She may not believe that she has the right to grieve a loss that she chose to create. There is no public forum for grieving the loss of her child. (no memorial service or eulogy).
The support system that usually gathers around a bereaved mother is very limited, or absent altogether (in most cases few people are even told about the procedure; the ones who do know aren’t likely to be excited about rehashing it afterward). If she confides in someone who did not know about the abortion, she risks disapproval or rejection.
The preparation for the abortion rarely includes any discussion of the possibility of emotional issues — especially grieving — afterward. If she is troubled enough by feelings of distress after the abortion, a woman may seek help from a counselor who may not understand post-abortion syndrome.
For any or all of these reasons, a post-abortive woman may not have her grief validated as a normal and predictable grieving process; and as a result, she may repress her feelings of sadness and anger.
Without an opportunity to work through it, the grieving process is interrupted and may not be resumed until years later, when another significant loss occurs or she becomes pregnant again.
Background Information
When Grief Doesn't End
Despair can halt the natural and healthy process of grieving.
Understanding Miscarriage
Here are the symptoms and causes of miscarriage.
What Not to Say
Sometimes even people with good intentions say the most hurtful things.
Questions and Answers
What are some common reactions to a miscarriage?
Answer
When I want to get pregnant again, is there anything I can do to improve my chances of carrying the baby to term?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Suffering Toward God
Facing their daughter's death forces one couple to answer life's hardest questions.
I Never Knew You, Still I Love You
One woman's story of her grieving period when she miscarried.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Hope and Comfort From the Bible
If you're asking God why this happened to your baby, here are some of His answers from the Bible.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Abuse & Addiction: Pornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse
Parenting Children: Talking About Sex
Parenting Teens: Sexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality
Transitions: Getting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby
