miscarriage
When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay'
There are some key issues that parents have to face to successfully “move beyond” the paralyzing grief-stricken state of having a gay child.
The loss must be faced.1 Having a gay child entails the loss of future dreams, loss of control, loss of security, loss of relationship. These multiple losses trigger a grief reaction that can last for months or even several years.
Even if your child comes out of homosexuality, you will always live with the reality that your child has struggled in this area, that something profoundly wrong has occurred in his/her life that will leave a scar — even after healing. You will never see them in quite the same way again. And, in that sense, the way you look at that person has changed forever. This is a loss of great magnitude.
A profound, thought-provoking book on grief is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Gerald Sittser. In his book, Dr. Sittser describes the anguish of losing three of the most important people in his life one night in a terrible car accident involving a drunk driver going 85 mph who veered into their lane on the highway. In one blinding crash, Gerald lost his mother, his wife and his young daughter.
In the following days and weeks, Sittser went through the shock, the horrifying emotional pain, and the crushing grief of his loss. He felt engulfed in a great darkness for months. Eventually, however, the darkness began to lift. The “sunrise” began to be felt and his emotional state returned somewhat to normal.
However, three years after the accident, Sittser wrote these profound words:
“Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss” (emphasis added).
So, face the pain. Live through it, rather than running from it. Don’t avoid it. Don’t feel guilty about it. Don't quote scriptures to push it away prematurely.
Some of the healthiest parents have grieved the deepest over this tragedy of having a gay son or daughter. Some of them have been incapacitated for months following this discovery. Most worrisome are the ones who are “back to normal” after three weeks. They have not yet even faced the reality of this situation.
- Worthen, Anita and Bob Davies. Someone I Love is Gay. InterVarsity Press, 1996; p. 23.
Background Information
When Grief Doesn't End
Despair can halt the natural and healthy process of grieving.
Understanding Miscarriage
Here are the symptoms and causes of miscarriage.
What Not to Say
Sometimes even people with good intentions say the most hurtful things.
Questions and Answers
What are some common reactions to a miscarriage?
Answer
When I want to get pregnant again, is there anything I can do to improve my chances of carrying the baby to term?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Suffering Toward God
Facing their daughter's death forces one couple to answer life's hardest questions.
I Never Knew You, Still I Love You
One woman's story of her grieving period when she miscarried.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Hope and Comfort From the Bible
If you're asking God why this happened to your baby, here are some of His answers from the Bible.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Abuse & Addiction: Pornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse
Parenting Children: Talking About Sex
Parenting Teens: Sexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality
Transitions: Getting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby
