homosexuality
When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay'
There are some key issues that parents have to face to successfully “move beyond” the paralyzing grief-stricken state of having a gay child.
The loss must be faced.1 Having a gay child entails the loss of future dreams, loss of control, loss of security, loss of relationship. These multiple losses trigger a grief reaction that can last for months or even several years.
Even if your child comes out of homosexuality, you will always live with the reality that your child has struggled in this area, that something profoundly wrong has occurred in his/her life that will leave a scar — even after healing. You will never see them in quite the same way again. And, in that sense, the way you look at that person has changed forever. This is a loss of great magnitude.
A profound, thought-provoking book on grief is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Gerald Sittser. In his book, Dr. Sittser describes the anguish of losing three of the most important people in his life one night in a terrible car accident involving a drunk driver going 85 mph who veered into their lane on the highway. In one blinding crash, Gerald lost his mother, his wife and his young daughter.
In the following days and weeks, Sittser went through the shock, the horrifying emotional pain, and the crushing grief of his loss. He felt engulfed in a great darkness for months. Eventually, however, the darkness began to lift. The “sunrise” began to be felt and his emotional state returned somewhat to normal.
However, three years after the accident, Sittser wrote these profound words:
“Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss” (emphasis added).
So, face the pain. Live through it, rather than running from it. Don’t avoid it. Don’t feel guilty about it. Don't quote scriptures to push it away prematurely.
Some of the healthiest parents have grieved the deepest over this tragedy of having a gay son or daughter. Some of them have been incapacitated for months following this discovery. Most worrisome are the ones who are “back to normal” after three weeks. They have not yet even faced the reality of this situation.
- Worthen, Anita and Bob Davies. Someone I Love is Gay. InterVarsity Press, 1996; p. 23.
Background Information
Born Gay?
How can you debunk the claim of biological determinism?
Struggling With Homosexuality
These questions and answers are designed to help men and women dealing with same-sex attraction work through the confusion.
The Causes of Homosexuality
Here are three possible reasons why your child is gay.
The Guilt of Homosexuality
Are parents to blame when their son or daughter comes out of the "closet"?
Questions and Answers
I have reviewed studies conducted in recent years that seemingly indicate homosexuality is in the genes and is therefore involuntary. Do you agree?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Finding His Way Out
One man proves it is possible to escape the grip of homosexuality.
My Father's Closet
When Dad leaves Mom for another woman, the wounds are deep. But what do you do when he leaves for another man?
Not What I'd Expected
Having a gay father-in-law was the beginning of lessons on love and compassion amidst different beliefs and values.
When Your Spouse is Gay
This perspective about homosexuality in marriage comes from a Christian counselor.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Abuse & Addiction: Pornography and Cybersex, Sexual Abuse
Parenting Children: Talking About Sex
Parenting Teens: Sexual Activity, Crisis Pregnancy, Homosexuality
Transitions: Getting Married, Adoption, Having a Baby
