time for family
Beyond Books and Diplomas
Remember when you were in high school and the cutest girls got to wear those short wool dresses, carry megaphones and jump up and down on the sidelines? You know, the cheerleaders.
That's what your children need from you now — not empty praise, but informed encouragement. You can give your children a tremendous gift: Whatever their sport or interest, be an active observer. If they choose basketball, learn enough about the game so that you don't call quarters "innings." If you really want to encourage them knowledgeably, learn to appreciate assists and rebounds as well as making baskets. If they are baseball players, learn enough so that you can compliment them on a sacrifice RBI (run batted in), even though it resulted in an out. If your children are figure skaters, find out the difference between a single lutz and a single axel.
On the other hand, if chess or band gets your daughter going, show an interest there. If your son is into Boy Scouts, admire his badges and sincerely congratulate him on his new awards.
In short, show them you're interested. Show them you care. If you do that, you'll spare them and yourself much agony down the road.
The popular singer Michael W. Smith often says that one of the main things that kept him from going along with the crowd when he was younger was his parents' undying love. Like many boys, Michael had his rebellious days, but he never fell so far that he couldn't find his way back. He knew he was loved and accepted at home, and that helped him tremendously when his closest friends started going to parties and Michael realized he was going to lose touch with them if he didn't follow along. Here's how he describes it in his book This Is Your Time:
In my case, my closest friends started going to all the parties. I knew there was nothing for me there, but my friends wanted me to be a part of that scene simply because they were. Deep inside I knew that if I didn't join them at the parties, there was going to be a change in our friendship, and there was.
Monday-morning conversations were always about the weekend. I could literally feel my friends pulling away, because I couldn't talk with them about the parties. They were "nice" to me, but the "hang thing" was over. I didn't belong anymore. That was hard.
Later in this same book Michael explains one of the reasons he was able to stand against the crowd:
My parents are definitely role models in my life. The main reason I was able to stand against the partying crowd was because I received the acceptance I needed at home. "Fitting in" still mattered, but I didn't crave it like some others did. I knew my parents loved me, and I respected the way they lived their lives. They stuck with me through the hard times and demonstrated a consistent, unconditional love so that I never strayed so far that I lost my way.
Here's what happens when a boy thinks his mom isn't interested: he becomes unusually peer dependent. If the peer group says that he needs to smoke dope to fit in, he'll smoke dope. If the peer group likes to drink on the weekend and then race their cars down a lonely highway, your peer-dependent son will follow along. If he finds a young woman who thinks he's fascinating, he'll spend all his time with her, and it may not be long before the two of them are quietly whispering about the young woman's missed period.
If adolescents feel that they belong to their families, they have no psychological reason to engage in aberrant behavior! It takes time to be involved in your children's lives, but it eventually takes even more time not to be involved. How many times have I talked to parents who finally start spending time with their daughter — after she's gotten pregnant? If you don't offer a home life in which your adolescents know they are loved, appreciated and cared for, you'll end up spending much more time trying to put out the many fires that follow.
There's another side to adolescents' need for encouragement. As your children progress through school, the competition to succeed will become more and more intense. Your son is going to graduate from worrying about whether he can hold his own on the basketball court to whether he can get into a good college. Your daughter will move from worrying about having a date for the senior prom to whether she can land the summer internship that will help her get a promising job.
This twilight of childhood can be a scary time. Your children need a place of refuge, acceptance, and belief. They may experience more rejection during the years between 16 and 25 (relationships, school, job refusals) than they will for the rest of their lives. When your son harbors suspicions that his ears will keep him from ever being attractive to girls, he needs parents who hug him and tell him how handsome he is. When he strikes out at bat or struggles in science or just fails to climb above average, he needs strong parents who can look in his eyes and tell him, "Son, we are so proud of you."
The best ways to fight percolating peer pressure are not to give in to your own peer pressure and then to begin creating a sense of belonging and encouragement from the time your children are toddlers. If you wait until adolescence to begin tackling this problem, you're going to make your life much more difficult.
For starters, remember
Parents who want their kids to resist adolescent peer pressure must first dare to be different in the way they raise their younger children. Kids don't need empty praise, but they do need informed encouragement. Children who feel they belong at home won't be so desperate to belong to the wrong peer groups.
Background Information
Making Good Decisions
What to do about avoidance — one of the biggest time wasters around.
Evaporating Family Time
It's easy to get caught up in the business of life. It's not as easy to make it up to your kids.
Questions and Answers
I have very little time to spend with my children these days, but I make sure the hours we do get to spend together are meaningful. Do you agree that the quality of time you are with your kids is more important than the quantity?
Answer
Our son has been spending all of his time with friends and leaves no time for family activities. What should we do?
Answer
There aren't enough hours in the day to do all that needs to be done and spend quality time with our kids. But I'm afraid that someday I'll regret my day-to-day decisions to focus on a clean house. How can I change?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
About Time
It's never too soon to start making memories with your children. For one dad, it's too late.
Missing Dad
Though in 5- and 6-year-old language I would have never called him a "workaholic," I suppose my dad fit the description.
Leaving the Majors for More
Choosing family over career isn't easy; but the rewards are priceless.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
If you sweat the small stuff, it's time to learn how to break free from the control freak inside of you.
Fitting Kids Into a Life
We're well-versed in how to make it in the corporate world. What we need is a little advice about making it in the nursery.
Dare To Be Different
Encouraging individuality is the best way to fend off peer pressure.
Related Topics
Transitions: Changing Jobs, Moving
Relationships: Communication Gaps
Parenting Teens: Communication Problems
