Question and Answer

As a counselor, have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?

First, you need to understand how I see my situation. My role is similar to that of a surgeon who tells a patient that he needs a coronary-artery-bypass operation. The man sits in his doctor's office, hearing the probabilities of success and failure. "If you undergo this operation," the doctor says, "research shows you'll have a 3 percent chance of not surviving the surgery." Wow! Three out of every hundred people who submit to the knife will die on the table! Why would anyone run that risk voluntarily? Because the chances of death are far greater without the surgery.

The "love must be tough" confrontations and ultimatum are like that. They may result in the sudden demise of a relationship. But without the crisis, there is a much higher probability of a lingering death. Instead of bringing the matter to a head while there is a chance for healing, the alternative is to stand by while the marriage dies with a whimper. I'd rather take my chances today, before further damage is done. A blowout is better than a slow leak.

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Background Information

Emotional and Verbal Abuse
The wounds caused by abuse aren't always visible.

Recognizing Abuse Both Seen and Unseen
Verbal and physical abuse are far more prevalent in our society than you might expect.

Secondary Symptons of Sexual Abuse
Here's how to identify common patterns and characteristics among abuse victims.

Abuse and the Church's Role
If church-goers suspect abuse, here's an explanation why they should get involved and how to help the victim.

Charmers and Con Artists
The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money, and the Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity and your self-esteem. Here is how to know if you live with a charmer or a con artist.

Questions and Answers

Why do abused women often stay, rather than just flee the situation?
Answer

My daughter and her boyfriend just laugh it off, but I am alarmed by the put-downs and insults they toss back and forth. Am I being too sensitive?
Answer

How should a wife deal with her husband's abusive tendencies?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Escaping my Abusive Relationship: A Shark Story
Used constructively, anger can be a powerful tool for protecting yourself from an abusive relationship.

Losing Myself
One abused woman found hope, healing and herself.

Victim
An abused man speaks out about the destruction of his marriage, and the healing he has found.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Hope for Couples in Crisis
The key to dealing with marital strife lies in respect.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

Life Pressures: Workaholism

Parenting Teens:  Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns

Relationships:  Anger

Life Applications

Who Needs Counseling?
Counseling is sometimes perceived as a "last resort," rather than a valuable source of help.

Changed or Not Changed?
If you're in an abusive relationship, here are some signs indicating whether he has or has not changed his ways.

Helping a Domestic Violence Victim
If you know someone who might be a victim of domestic violence, here's how you can help.

How to Be an Anchor in the Storm
One of the reasons a battered woman is finally able to leave an abusive relationship is because she has someone who acts as her anchor in the storm. Here are some ideas that may help you help someone else.

How to Help an Abused Wife
When an abused woman reveals her life with you, you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Here how to help someone who is experiencing domestic violence.