alcoholism
Wrong Ways Men are Taught to Treat Women
In her book, Controlling People, Patricia Evans writes about two men who compiled a list of things they had heard and seen as boys which became part of their training to grow up to become men. Here are some excerpts from the list:
- Use physical or sexual violence or the threat of physical or sexual violence to get my way.
- Use anger to imply that violence of some form may follow if they don't shut up and do as I want.
- Tell them they're just imagining things when they say they fear my anger, while conveniently forgetting that I've demonstrated violence and prevented their escape.
- Use public humiliation and scorn to shame them when with friends and then insist, "I was only joking. Can't you take a joke?"
- Use relentless logic to encourage them to deny their own feelings as valid.
- Use their training in body surveillance [wanting to look nice] to gain power over them. For example: Never compliment them, then say they mean more to me than just their body. Criticize particular parts of their anatomy while insisting that I love them despite those faults. Look at other women with sexually explicit and pornographic gaze, and insist that it is harmless and doesn't mean anything.
- Use men's privileged voice to interrupt their sentences constantly, override their ideas, insist that I DO understand these things, have really listened.
- Provide evidence of being a sensitive guy, and then use this knowledge to increase my sense of control over them and to prove that I am not a male oppressor.
- Devalue the woman by not listening to what she has to say or listening in a preoccupied or distracted way. Find fault with what she says.
- If you make more money than she makes, claim that this gives you the right to have greater say in how the money is spent.
- If she is asking you to take on more responsibility or do more work around the house, ask what she is going to do for you in exchange.
- If confronted on your criticism, deny that you were being critical and imply that she is being overly sensitive, or make her feel guilty for misperceiving your intentions and hurting your feelings.
Here are a few more attitudes from the church community which come from decades of misinterpreting or misapplying the scriptures:
- Men are the head of the house! Women are to obey whatever they say, without question. ("Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church. He gave his life to be her Savior. Ephesians 5:21-23 NLT)
- It's every man's job to keep his woman in line. A man is weak if he is not "king of the castle." "But Jesus called them together and said, 'You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many'" Matthew 20:25-27 NLT) .Note: There is no authority given by scripture for a man to "punish" his wife for being unsubmissive or disobedient. Discipline is God's business.
- Men have the right to do whatever they want to their wives since they belong to them like the rest of the livestock and property. (And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean . . . In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body, but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church." (Ephesians 5:28-29 NLT). "If you don't treat her [your wife] as you should, your prayers will not be heard" (I Peter 3:7b NLT).
- Wives are supposed to please their husbands. ("An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please Him. But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife." I Colossians 7:32-33 NLT)
Note: Wives, read verse 34 and see that your responsibility is the same.
- Men and women are not equal. Men are entitled to more because they are better and smarter than women. "Now all of you together are Christ's body and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad." (I Colossians. 12:26-27 NLT) and "She is your equal partner in God's gift of new life." (1 Peter 3:7b NLT)
- You'll never understand a woman, so just don't even try. "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together" (1 Peter 3:7a NLT).
Culture, tradition, and religion have misshaped men's beliefs about women. Those faulty beliefs need to be exposed and replaced by the truth of God's Word so this generation of young boys will grow up to be godly men, husbands, and fathers!
Background Information
Addiction Triggers
What causes the addiction cycles to begin?
Dr. Jekyll's Potion
The link between alcohol and violent behavior may be stronger than you think.
If You're an Alcoholic
Think you'll never be able to quit? There is hope.
But I've Got Reasons!
Alcoholics offer countless excuses for drinking. They simply don"t hold water.
Questions and Answers
My husband is an alcoholic. Can it be treated, and is there hope for families like mine?
Answer
Have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Absentee Father
One adult child of an alcoholic shares his experience of healing and hope.
Under the Influence
Growing up with an alcoholic father was frightening. In the end, I choose to give my father the gift of forgiveness.
It Would Never Happen to Us
Teen drug addiction is always some other family's tragedy, until it hits home.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
The Hungry Heart
Our souls seek satisfaction like a starving man seeks food. Regardless of race, culture or creed, we have one commonality: hungry hearts. What is it our souls hunger for? Relationship.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Workaholism
Parenting Teens: Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns
Relationships: Anger
