Abuse and the Church's Role

Set aside the church's self-prescribed "principles and practices," and search the living Word to find out what Jesus would do. Here are some things Jesus would not do:

Overlook, dismiss, or hide abuse

When a church or family ignores spousal abuse, it enables the abuse to continue and flourish, and allows the abuser to perpetuate his criminal behavior. For many churches, it is easier to pretend everything is okay than to admit failures and dysfunctions within the congregation.

Make blind or unwise assessments

Even though she had a black eye from the beating by her husband, the pastor told her "your husband isn't a wife beater." He suggested that she submit to the elders of the church as they worked out this problem with her husband—who was the pastor's close friend and largest financial contributor of the church.

Jesus would say, "You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free." He would show the abuser the truth about his own wickedness, offer him the choice to repent, and then walk with him on the path to restoration and healing.

Place more value on the sanctity of marriage than the safety of women and children and the sanctity of life

Women who are battered should not have to choose between safety and the support of their church. However, many times they are reprimanded for leaving an abusive husband and coerced into quick forgiveness and reconciliation before the abuser has truly changed his behavior.

Three ministers (each in a different town) withheld information for years about one woman's husband, a church leader, who was accused of sexually molesting young boys.

When she finally learned the truth during a custody hearing, she asked the pastors why they had not told her at the time the incidents took place. Of the two who responded, both said they felt the information would have destroyed the marriage! Their concern for saving the marriage outweighed their concern for the safety of this woman and her son.

Jesus showed that He was more concerned for people than laws and institutions when He healed a man on the Sabbath (Luke 14:1-6) "Jesus came to save people, not marriages." Misinterpret scriptures such as Ephesians 5:20-33 to give men the right to control their wives and justify punishment

Instead of following Christ's model of servant leadership in the home, an abusive man views it as his God-given right to have power and control over his wife, and rewrites the scripture to give himself the right to punish her whenever she falls short of his expectations.

Jesus would remind us that He, as head of the church, is the role model for the husband. Has he ever been controlling and abusive toward the church? Or does He, as a servant leader, lovingly guide and nurture His church?

Conditional acceptance

Although churches should offer unconditional love, far too often families are only accepted by the congregation if they seem to fit in with the status quo. One woman who suffered abuse in the home said, "We have five beautiful children, and on Sunday we looked like a perfect family who belonged there, but in reality . . . I was living in hell."

Another woman felt very uncomfortable because she didn't fit in with married couples (they didn't want her to attend social functions alone), and she didn't fit in with single parents (because she was still married, although separated from her abusive husband).

Jesus offers unconditional love and acceptance, and does not value a person for how he looks or what he owns. He said, "You are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside, but filled on the inside with dead people's bones and all sorts of impurity. You try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness." (Matthew 23:27-28 NLT)

Place blame on the victim and pass judgment on her decision to leave

"I never had anyone beating on my door when my husband had an affair, or when I had to be tested for AIDS because of his unfaithfulness. But when I asked my husband to leave, I started getting phone calls from church people telling me I should be more submissive, that I should do what my husband wants, that I should obey him in order to keep the family together."

These words came from a beautiful, young African-American lady who has been criticized and harshly judged for asking her abusive husband to leave. Instead of confronting the abuser and holding him accountable, many churches and family members place blame on the victim when she decides to take action to protect herself and her children.

Sometimes the first response a woman will hear from her pastor, after telling him about the abuse she suffers at home, is "What did you do to provoke him."

After hearing a woman's story of abuse, many people ask (sometimes with an air of superiority) "Why did you stay so long? Why didn't you just leave?" However, as soon as the woman takes legal action or presses charges against her abuser, those same people become very judgmental and require her to give up her teaching position or leadership role in the church and submit to church discipline.

Jesus would say, "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?" (Matthew 7:1,3 NLT) Although some churches are guilty of perpetuating family violence, many other church communities and pastors are actively involved in stopping the cycle of abuse, providing safety for the victim and help for the abuser.

Does your church offer hope or perpetuate the pain?

Five Reasons Why the Church Should Get Involved:

1. Families are being destroyed by violence. Marriages are not being destroyed by women who leave an abusive relationship; it is being destroyed by the repeated acts of violence in the home.
2. Children are growing up believing that daddy hitting mommy is normal. The next generation of abusive men are now small boys watching their fathers batter their mothers.
3. For many women, their home is the most dangerous place to be. According to the American Medical Association, domestic violence is the number one threat to women's health.
4. The church has contributed to abuse in the home by failing to confront abusers, failing to provide safety for victims, and sending them back home to further abuse.
5. The church has a major role in protecting the victim and reducing violence. Instead of looking the other way and pretending the problem doesn't exist, or deliberately ignoring the problem to keep the family together at all costs, we need to ask ourselves "What would Jesus do?" The church has one thing to offer victims of domestic violence that all other social agencies and legal systems do not have: HOPE!
6. Hope for victims to find safety and peace, to find other women or support groups to provide encouragement, to receive assistance in meeting financial and daily needs, and to rediscover the person God made them to be
7. Hope for children to live in a violence-free home, and to learn the principles of scriptures in being a godly husband or wife through mentoring of church family
8. Hope for abusers to find men who will hold them accountable, and walk with them through the process of treatment and healing
9. Hope for restoring families whose lives have been broken and destroyed through violence, and breaking the cycle of abuse in future generations
10. Hope because the power of Jesus Christ can change lives and redeem years of destruction and pain by using those experiences to help others

What the church can do to help victims of domestic violence:

Educate

1. Include a 4-6 week study on family violence and the prevention of violence in adult Sunday School curriculum. Invite guest speakers from a local shelter or FOCUS Ministries to educate congregation or small groups about domestic violence.
2. Plan several sermons throughout the year on the subject of violence in the home. (October is National Domestic Violence Month.) Explain the various definitions of domestic violence, including verbal and emotional abuse, and take a strong stand against such behavior. Clarify that being given the responsibility of head of the home does not grant permission to punish or abuse.
3. Display brochures, newsletters, and information about domestic violence where people can easily access them. Post phone numbers for shelters, support groups, and national domestic violence hotline on bulletin boards and in church bulletins. Add books about the subject to your church library.
4. Educate your teenage girls and guys about domestic violence, and help them develop biblical ways to express anger.

Provide Safety

1. Adopt a shelter as a mission project or start your own shelter where women and children can have emergency and short-term housing.
2. Set up a network of homes as safe places for women and children in a crisis.
3. Provide wise counsel to the victim which will not put her in more danger, and know what community services are available to help her.
4. 4.Provide a safety escort for women attending joint counseling sessions with abuser, and to court hearings.

Support

1. Start a support group for women or offer a meeting place for other organized groups like FOCUS Ministries.
2. Maintain an emergency fund to help meet the financial needs of women and children who are forced to leave because of violence in the home.
3. Continue to be caring and supportive, even if a woman refuses to leave an abusive relationship, or goes back into an abusive relationship before the abuser has changed.
4. Walk through the long process of healing and forgiveness with the victim and abuser as long as it takes. Don't give them "x" number of weeks to get better and then drop them. Be prepared to offer support and guidance for several years, not days or months.
5. Provide prayer partners for victims to be available day or night, and who will present prayer requests to a network of prayer chains, prayer lists, and prayer meetings. Let women know that they are being prayed for on a consistent basis.
6. Connect women with people in the church who can provide computer training, financial planning, etc.

Confront

Confront the abuser and encourage him to join a treatment program for abusers. Make available an accountability group for him where concerned men will ask him about his behavior on a consistent basis, and pray for and encourage him to continue his treatment program.

Help break the cycle of abuse to provide hope and healing for the next generation.

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Background Information

Emotional and Verbal Abuse
The wounds caused by abuse aren't always visible.

Recognizing Abuse Both Seen and Unseen
Verbal and physical abuse are far more prevalent in our society than you might expect.

Secondary Symptons of Sexual Abuse
Here's how to identify common patterns and characteristics among abuse victims.

Charmers and Con Artists
The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money, and the Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity and your self-esteem. Here is how to know if you live with a charmer or a con artist.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Why does Prince Charming often turn into a terrifying beast even before the honeymoon is over?

Questions and Answers

Why do abused women often stay, rather than just flee the situation?
Answer

My daughter and her boyfriend just laugh it off, but I am alarmed by the put-downs and insults they toss back and forth. Am I being too sensitive?
Answer

How should a wife deal with her husband's abusive tendencies?
Answer

Have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Escaping my Abusive Relationship: A Shark Story
Used constructively, anger can be a powerful tool for protecting yourself from an abusive relationship.

Losing Myself
One abused woman found hope, healing and herself.

Victim
An abused man speaks out about the destruction of his marriage, and the healing he has found.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Hope for Couples in Crisis
The key to dealing with marital strife lies in respect.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

Life Pressures: Workaholism

Parenting Teens:  Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns

Relationships:  Anger

Life Applications

Who Needs Counseling?
Counseling is sometimes perceived as a "last resort," rather than a valuable source of help.

Changed or Not Changed?
If you're in an abusive relationship, here are some signs indicating whether he has or has not changed his ways.

Helping a Domestic Violence Victim
If you know someone who might be a victim of domestic violence, here's how you can help.

How to Be an Anchor in the Storm
One of the reasons a battered woman is finally able to leave an abusive relationship is because she has someone who acts as her anchor in the storm. Here are some ideas that may help you help someone else.

How to Help an Abused Wife
When an abused woman reveals her life with you, you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Here how to help someone who is experiencing domestic violence.