physical and verbal abuse
Changed or Not Changed?
"Beware of the temptation to gauge change by means of the perpetrator's church-going behavior. Going to church is not good enough . . . does not prove that he is no longer going to hurt her." —Anonymous
Signs That He Has Changed
- He is willing to wait however long it takes for her trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not pressure her to forgive or reconcile until she is ready.
- He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten her.
- He listens to and respects her opinion, even if he disagrees.
- She can express anger or frustration toward him without being punished or abused.
- He respects her "no" in all situations, including physical contact.
- He does not prevent her from spending time with friends and family, and does not punish her later.
- He is willing to continue counseling as long as necessary.
- He takes responsibility for his actions, and does not blame her for his bad behavior.
- He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
- When he becomes frustrated or angry, he does not take it out on his wife or children.
- When he fails, he admits his mistake and takes responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
- He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
- He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
- He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
- He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
- He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control. He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
- He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his wife and children.
- He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
- He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
- He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.
"Completion of a batterer's intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics." —Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence
He Has Not Changed If . . .
- He blames her or others for his behavior.
- He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
- He does not faithfully attend his treatment program.
- He pressures her to let him move back in before she is ready.
- He will not admit he was abusive.
- He convinces others that she is either abusive or crazy.
- He demands to know where his spouse is and whom she is with.
- He uses her behavior as an excuse to treat her badly.
- He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his wife, and shows disrespect or superiority.
- He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of his behavior when he slips back into abusive behavior.
- He continues to undermine her authority as a parent, and her credibility as a person.
- His mindset about women has not changed, even though he avoids being abusive.
- He criticizes his spouse for not realizing how much he has changed.
Background Information
Emotional and Verbal Abuse
The wounds caused by abuse aren't always visible.
Recognizing Abuse Both Seen and Unseen
Verbal and physical abuse are far more prevalent in our society than you might expect.
Secondary Symptons of Sexual Abuse
Here's how to identify common patterns and characteristics among abuse victims.
Abuse and the Church's Role
If church-goers suspect abuse, here's an explanation why they should get involved and how to help the victim.
Charmers and Con Artists
The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money, and the Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity and your self-esteem. Here is how to know if you live with a charmer or a con artist.
Questions and Answers
Why do abused women often stay, rather than just flee the situation?
Answer
My daughter and her boyfriend just laugh it off, but I am alarmed by the put-downs and insults they toss back and forth. Am I being too sensitive?
Answer
How should a wife deal with her husband's abusive tendencies?
Answer
Have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Escaping my Abusive Relationship: A Shark Story
Used constructively, anger can be a powerful tool for protecting yourself from an abusive relationship.
Losing Myself
One abused woman found hope, healing and herself.
Victim
An abused man speaks out about the destruction of his marriage, and the healing he has found.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Hope for Couples in Crisis
The key to dealing with marital strife lies in respect.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Workaholism
Parenting Teens: Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns
Relationships: Anger
