physical and verbal abuse
How to Help an Abused Wife
When an abused woman reveals her life with you, you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Although you might not be able to offer financial support, you can provide hope just by saying "I believe you. I care about you. I will be here for you." In her book, "Broken and Battered," author Muriel Canfield instructs readers how to help someone who is experiencing domestic violence. Here's how you can help:
- Listen to her story , at times asking questions that will help her define her situation. Listen carefully for signs that she is in imminent danger or that she is feeling suicidal. Even if she has shared the same details with you before listen patiently each time she needs to talk.
- Keep what you hear confidential. You may be the only person she has ever trusted enough to tell. If you tell others, even with the best of intentions, word may get back to her husband and her safety could be compromised. If she can trust you with small details, she will eventually open up and tell you the rest of the story.
- Validate her. She needs someone to believe her and accept her word as credible. If you are a friend of both husband and wife, you can validate her without disparaging him by saying, "I believe what you have suffered is wrong." It is important to help her realize that the abuse (physical or emotional) is not a normal way of relating in a marriage.
- Be supportive, but not directive. Ask questions that get her to think, but don't tell her what to think. If she already lives with a controller, she will withdraw if you try to control her with your opinion of what she should do.
- Don't blame her for not leaving her husband. You don't know all the ways she has already tried to stop the violence, nor the reasons she feels she needs to stay. There is no way for you to understand what she is going through, and a decision to leave an abusive relationship needs to be made without pressure from anyone else when the timing is right. You will put her at greater risk if you pressure her to leave before she has a safety plan in place. Encourage her to call you whenever she needs to talk, or to contact you in an emergency situation when she needs a place of refuge. Don't give up on her if she decides to stay.
- Express concern for her safety if she is battered. Many women protect their abusers, even when they are gravely injured. Let her know you are concerned and offer to help her work out a safety plan.
- Inform her that physical abuse is a criminal act. Offer to photograph her injuries and go with her to the police station to press charges. Help her understand that the best way to stop the cycle of abuse is to hold her husband accountable of his crime. If she refuses to go to the police, respect her decision but encourage her to talk to a domestic violence counselor at a local shelter or support group.
- Assure her that God loves her and discuss her spiritual concerns. She may have misguided ideas that it is her role to suffer or that she somehow deserves the abuse. She may experience guilt, and fear she is trapped because she doesn't believe in divorce. On the other hand, she may be filled with rage and thoughts of revenge. In either case, give her freedom to vent, and then share scriptures which deal with the issues that concern her.
- Offer to discuss her situation with her whenever she wishes. Put her in touch with people and resources who can help. Offer to go with her to the doctor, police, pastor, attorney, or court when she needs support.
Background Information
Emotional and Verbal Abuse
The wounds caused by abuse aren't always visible.
Recognizing Abuse Both Seen and Unseen
Verbal and physical abuse are far more prevalent in our society than you might expect.
Secondary Symptons of Sexual Abuse
Here's how to identify common patterns and characteristics among abuse victims.
Abuse and the Church's Role
If church-goers suspect abuse, here's an explanation why they should get involved and how to help the victim.
Charmers and Con Artists
The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money, and the Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity and your self-esteem. Here is how to know if you live with a charmer or a con artist.
Questions and Answers
Why do abused women often stay, rather than just flee the situation?
Answer
My daughter and her boyfriend just laugh it off, but I am alarmed by the put-downs and insults they toss back and forth. Am I being too sensitive?
Answer
How should a wife deal with her husband's abusive tendencies?
Answer
Have you ever been concerned that exercising the concept of "tough love" in a marital crisis could potentially kill the marriage?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Escaping my Abusive Relationship: A Shark Story
Used constructively, anger can be a powerful tool for protecting yourself from an abusive relationship.
Losing Myself
One abused woman found hope, healing and herself.
Victim
An abused man speaks out about the destruction of his marriage, and the healing he has found.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Hope for Couples in Crisis
The key to dealing with marital strife lies in respect.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Life Pressures: Workaholism
Parenting Teens: Drugs and Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Internet Concerns
Relationships: Anger
